Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Many consider you a big teddy bear, but due to unwise forays past the boundaries of sanity, you're now more teddy bear than man.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
A high-speed car chase, complete with a gun battle, will do a lot to convince you that not all real-estate brokers are the same.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
You're happy you set a new world record, but you were hoping to win the award for pancake eating, not fingernail length.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
All men are created equal, which means a just God has compensated for your laser vision in a rather embarrassing way.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
You'll achieve fame and get into all the best clubs when Danger Mouse mixes you into his next album.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Through the impressive process of extending Orion's celestial finger, the stars indicate that you should fuck off.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
There's no one less deserving of an ever-present entourage of beautiful, talented backup singers than you, but no one said life was fair.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
A long-standing problem of order in the universe will be solved when you obtain an under-sink rack to hold your loose cookie sheets, baking pans, and pot lids.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
You will spend hours this week engaged in a bizarre political debate over whether guns can kill people.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Your reputation for staying on the cutting edge of trial law is reinforced when you become your city's first cutthroat gay-divorce lawyer.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
America's little girls refuse to let you cure your rare but adorable form of anemia, in which little elves with big blue eyes siphon your blood while you sleep.
