Your Horoscope
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer
Aries March 21 - April 19
Many consider you a big teddy bear, but due to unwise forays past the boundaries of sanity, you're now more teddy bear than man.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
A high-speed car chase, complete with a gun battle, will do a lot to convince you that not all real-estate brokers are the same.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
You're happy you set a new world record, but you were hoping to win the award for pancake eating, not fingernail length.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
All men are created equal, which means a just God has compensated for your laser vision in a rather embarrassing way.
Leo July 23 - August 22
You'll achieve fame and get into all the best clubs when Danger Mouse mixes you into his next album.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Through the impressive process of extending Orion's celestial finger, the stars indicate that you should fuck off.
Libra September 23 - October 23
There's no one less deserving of an ever-present entourage of beautiful, talented backup singers than you, but no one said life was fair.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
A long-standing problem of order in the universe will be solved when you obtain an under-sink rack to hold your loose cookie sheets, baking pans, and pot lids.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
You will spend hours this week engaged in a bizarre political debate over whether guns can kill people.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Your reputation for staying on the cutting edge of trial law is reinforced when you become your city's first cutthroat gay-divorce lawyer.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
America's little girls refuse to let you cure your rare but adorable form of anemia, in which little elves with big blue eyes siphon your blood while you sleep.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
New directions in evolutionary theory make it possible for people to be disgusted at what you evolved from.
Past Horoscopes
September 30, 2008
Issue 44•40
Aries Your life has always resembled something out of a movie, which explains the scrolling end credits this week.
September 23, 2008
Issue 44•39
Taurus Will you finally get that big job promotion? Is whirlwind romance in the cards for you? Tune in to Taurus next week for all the answers and more!
September 16, 2008
Issue 44•38
Gemini If you knew what was coming, you wouldn't be wasting valuable time reading your horoscope.
September 9, 2008
Issue 44•37
Cancer Your lucky numbers for this week are: 812, √3/14, 0.0000085, and π.
September 2, 2008
Issue 44•36
Leo Late summer is a good time for you to step back and take stock of your life. Coincidentally, early fall is a good time to explore dignified methods of suicide.
August 26, 2008
Issue 44•35
Virgo The stars indicate that they have your new astrological prediction right here. Yeah, come and get it, hot stuff.
August 19, 2008
Issue 44•34
Libra Remember: When people say that children are our future, they're talking about much healthier infants than yours.
August 12, 2008
Issue 44•33
Scorpio Onlookers will be moved by your quiet dignity, inner strength, and unflinching resolve. Then, your pants will fall down.
August 5, 2008
Issue 44•32
Sagittarius Fire and water magicks are strong in your sign this week, though unfortunately for you, not at the same time.