Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Both your mind and a locomotive run on rails, are difficult to maintain, and make chugging noises, but after that, the analogy starts to break down.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
You were right about the existence of a 10th planet, but don't be smug: Your claims about a race of cat-women who thirst for your seed was way off.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Mark Twain said moving house twice equals one house fire, so it looks like Fate owes you a couple house moves.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Arguments over the relative merits of football and soccer are rendered moot next week, when aliens challenge us to a bizarre hybrid of both games with the fate of the earth at stake.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
The surgeons are unclear on exactly why you need a titanium plate implanted in your ass, but hey... gift horses.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
A fateful chess match with Death looms in your future, so you might want to replace that tacky Star Trek chess set.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
It won't really do you any good, but it's very stirring nonetheless when you remember the Alamo, the Maine, and Pearl Harbor during your audit.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
The principle of entropy says that all systems tend toward disorder, so just think of what happens to your legs next week as a natural, universal constant.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
You're tired of all these narrow escapes with your life, so next week's gas-truck accident will be sort of a relief.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
It's often a mistake to try and make learning fun, as you'll prove next week during your combined fireworks-safety/defensive-driving demonstration.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
You may think your life is due for big changes, but the unknowable cosmic forces in control of your fate don't.
