Your Horoscope
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer
Aries March 21 - April 19
Both your mind and a locomotive run on rails, are difficult to maintain, and make chugging noises, but after that, the analogy starts to break down.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
You were right about the existence of a 10th planet, but don't be smug: Your claims about a race of cat-women who thirst for your seed was way off.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
Mark Twain said moving house twice equals one house fire, so it looks like Fate owes you a couple house moves.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
Arguments over the relative merits of football and soccer are rendered moot next week, when aliens challenge us to a bizarre hybrid of both games with the fate of the earth at stake.
Leo July 23 - August 22
The surgeons are unclear on exactly why you need a titanium plate implanted in your ass, but hey... gift horses.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
A fateful chess match with Death looms in your future, so you might want to replace that tacky Star Trek chess set.
Libra September 23 - October 23
It won't really do you any good, but it's very stirring nonetheless when you remember the Alamo, the Maine, and Pearl Harbor during your audit.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
The principle of entropy says that all systems tend toward disorder, so just think of what happens to your legs next week as a natural, universal constant.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
You're tired of all these narrow escapes with your life, so next week's gas-truck accident will be sort of a relief.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
It's often a mistake to try and make learning fun, as you'll prove next week during your combined fireworks-safety/defensive-driving demonstration.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You may think your life is due for big changes, but the unknowable cosmic forces in control of your fate don't.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
An important warning sticker will be missing this week. The stars can't tell you where it should be, but it should say "Caution: Rotating Knives."
Past Horoscopes
June 17, 2008
Issue 44•25
Aries Jealousy, suspicion, and utter confusion will be yours this week when you find yourself at the center of a bizarre love rhombus.
June 10, 2008
Issue 44•24
Taurus After experiencing the steep drops, abrupt climbs, and out-of-control spins of a roller coaster this week, you'll finally see why your therapist so often invokes them in characterizing your mental states.
June 3, 2008
Issue 44•23
Gemini They may make your heart race and your knees tremble, but remember: Women are just as scared of you as you are of them.
May 27, 2008
Issue 44•22
Cancer The stars indicate that they know very well who ate the last of the cottage cheese and would appreciate you replacing it, thank you.
May 20, 2008
Issue 44•21
Leo The loss of a child is never easy, especially when the resourceful little pest keeps managing to find his way back home.
May 13, 2008
Issue 44•20
Virgo You'll lose your childlike innocence this Thursday, and, after pleading guilty to a number of charges, your adult-like innocence as well.
May 6, 2008
Issue 44•19
Libra You'll dive into frigid waters to save the life of a complete stranger this week. Unfortunately for you, he'll end up just being your brother.
April 29, 2008
Issue 44•18
Scorpio Your hands will be covered in blood this Thursday, as will your clothes, and all of your walls. Then again, painting is always a little bit messy.
April 22, 2008
Issue 44•17
Sagittarius You will soon achieve a kind of immortality. Unfortunately for you, it's the kind that involves being hooked up to an emergency room respirator for the rest of eternity.