Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
You will hear something this week that makes you doubt the love of your spouse, but exactly why circus music has this effect will remain a mystery.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Efficient, divine revelation is yours this week when the love goddess Aphrodite appears to you for 1.9 seconds during a round of speed-dating.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
You've always believed that you can judge a man by his handshakes, which is why you continue to denounce the theories of Stephen Hawking.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
You'll be granted the secret wish of parents everywhere when your adorable baby daughter stays that size forever.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
The stars believe that a person must make his own mistakes, but they warn you not to do anything that may, say, burn down Chicago this week.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Personal growth looms large in your future as you are transformed into a 1,000-foot giant who blots out the sun.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
You've always believed that the children are our future, which is true insofar as most are cruel, violent, and short.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
You will find that one can go a long way in this world by practicing honesty, kindness, and the bizarre owl-worship ritual of the Druids.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
You'll achieve nationwide fame when footage of the polar bear mauling your carcass is set to "Flight Of The Bumblebee."
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
It's one thing to try to change your image, but it's another to bulk up on Andro, wear only white mink, and insist that you're the Vanilla Gorilla.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Some may call your breast implants tacky, but at least you had the guts to try out unconventional shapes.
