Your Horoscope
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer
Aries March 21 - April 19
You will hear something this week that makes you doubt the love of your spouse, but exactly why circus music has this effect will remain a mystery.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Efficient, divine revelation is yours this week when the love goddess Aphrodite appears to you for 1.9 seconds during a round of speed-dating.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
You've always believed that you can judge a man by his handshakes, which is why you continue to denounce the theories of Stephen Hawking.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
You'll be granted the secret wish of parents everywhere when your adorable baby daughter stays that size forever.
Leo July 23 - August 22
The stars believe that a person must make his own mistakes, but they warn you not to do anything that may, say, burn down Chicago this week.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Personal growth looms large in your future as you are transformed into a 1,000-foot giant who blots out the sun.
Libra September 23 - October 23
You've always believed that the children are our future, which is true insofar as most are cruel, violent, and short.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
You will find that one can go a long way in this world by practicing honesty, kindness, and the bizarre owl-worship ritual of the Druids.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
You'll achieve nationwide fame when footage of the polar bear mauling your carcass is set to "Flight Of The Bumblebee."
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
It's one thing to try to change your image, but it's another to bulk up on Andro, wear only white mink, and insist that you're the Vanilla Gorilla.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Some may call your breast implants tacky, but at least you had the guts to try out unconventional shapes.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
You're in grave danger of planning your life around vague interpretations of the mysterious patterns that can supposedly be seen in the night sky.
Past Horoscopes
July 8, 2008
Issue 44•28
Aries There's nothing quite like the love of a real woman. Then again, if the plaster sets properly and the paint dries evenly, you'll have the next best thing.
June 17, 2008
Issue 44•25
Taurus The mere mention of your name strikes fear and terror in the hearts of men, though that's mainly because it's so difficult to pronounce.
June 10, 2008
Issue 44•24
Gemini While it's often understood that racism, by nature, is borne of ignorance, your claim that the Irish control the media will still seem particularly uneducated this week.
June 3, 2008
Issue 44•23
Cancer The streets will run red with the blood of the innocent and the pure this week—so relax, you have absolutely nothing to worry about.
May 27, 2008
Issue 44•22
Leo The little black dress is an instant sophisticator—slimming, elegant, and timeless—but you'd be better off going with something flame-resistant this weekend.
May 20, 2008
Issue 44•21
Virgo You're about to embark on an incredible life-changing experience—one involving the collapsing of your lungs, the expansion of your heart, and the rapid evacuation of your bowels.
May 13, 2008
Issue 44•20
Libra A healthy relationship is all about compromise, or at least that's what you'll agree to in order to get your partner off your back.
May 6, 2008
Issue 44•19
Scorpio Remember: Those who can't do, teach. And those who can't teach just keep repeating the same tired maxim over and over again.
April 29, 2008
Issue 44•18
Sagittarius They say you have the grace of a dancer and the agility of a world-class gymnast. After that, though, it's usually just a bunch of mean-spirited laughter.