Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Tonight, take a moment to say a few words in honor of the brave deliveryman who died bringing hot, delicious pizza to your House Of Knives.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Your weight may be too high, but that's no reason for the police to describe what will happen to you as a triple homicide.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
There hasn't been a stampeding death in your area in more than a century, but your air horn and steer costume will change all that.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
This week is a good one for romance in the workplace, and an even better one for necromancy in the breakroom.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
As a defiler of famous authors' graves, you must agree that if Dorothy Parker were dug up and laid end to end, you wouldn't be a bit surprised.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Horrible, six-mawed creatures from beyond time and space won't let you have a chance at the million-dollar prize unless you buy their magazines.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
One man's ball sweat is another man's enchanting musk. Find out exactly who these men are, tonight on News At 10.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Your feeble constitution is noted once again when you enter the hospital after being savagely beaten at checkers.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
You've said that none of those people would've died, if only they had let you live your own life. But, come on, you know that isn't true.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Television taunts you once again, this time with a show where convicted felons get to have puppies even though you don't.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
A bad experience with free jazz, indirect mood lighting, and spiritual possession will show you that there's a right way and wrong way to commune with the infinite.
