Your Horoscope
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer
Aries March 21 - April 19
You've made it clear that you're a self-made man, and that no one can tell you how to live, but sometimes you think it might be nice to live indoors and eat people food.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Please stop comparing your own experiences to those of Sisyphus, who, unlike you, at least tried to get stuff done.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
A bizarre misunderstanding on the part of a bordello owner results in your getting flayed within an inch of your life by hot Asian teens.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
You're well on your way to becoming a better person, but only if your body doesn't reject the kidney.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Most messages from the Unknowable Infinite are vague and open to interpretation, but there's no pussyfooting around when it comes to your enormous ass.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
While it's true that performing crazy antics in a mascot suit is passé, it served you well for many years.
Libra September 23 - October 23
Next to its sheer beauty, the best thing about your throne of skulls is that every little skull represents a different memory.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
You'll be horrified to realize how low the entertainment industry has sunk when you see exactly what that wacky, perverted Rick Moranis has shrunk this time.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Soon you'll show them all. Unfortunately, exactly what you'll show them is neither pretty, nor viewable by those under 18.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
You're willing to do something to make the world a better place, but only if it entails using fire.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
This may be your star sign, but you have to admit that the differences between your own qualities and those indicated by the word "Aquarian" are pretty striking.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
The happiness and positive energy heralded by Venus rising in your sign will be negated by the kinetic energy expended by Near Earth Asteroid B-2634628 falling on your house.
Past Horoscopes
August 26, 2008
Issue 44•35
Aries They say that a little hard work and perseverance never killed anyone, but you and your trusty knife are about to prove them wrong.
August 19, 2008
Issue 44•34
Taurus Turns out it's not the ability to reason that separates us from the animals, but rather a very thin, very flimsy wire fence.
August 12, 2008
Issue 44•33
Gemini Regret will be yours this week when you're forced to choose between a slice of cherry pie and everlasting life.
August 5, 2008
Issue 44•32
Cancer You'll rue the day all that delicious ice cream was delivered to your home, proving once and for all that you don't know what "rue" means.
July 29, 2008
Issue 44•31
Leo Surprises await Leo around every corner, down several long stretches of highway, and over one rather bumpy off-ramp this week.
July 22, 2008
Issue 44•30
Virgo Dogs and their owners will often begin to look alike after years of living together, though it's hard to tell with your face inside that bowl half the time.
July 15, 2008
Issue 44•29
Libra Though last Tuesday may not have seemed like much to you, trust us: It was the best day of your life.
July 8, 2008
Issue 44•28
Scorpio Sometimes the truth can be difficult to hear. Thankfully, a battery-operated megaphone will make your past failures crystal clear.
June 17, 2008
Issue 44•25
Sagittarius Lately it feels like you're living a lie, which would explain the part about winning the pie-eating contest, swimming in shark infested waters, and having sex with women.