Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
You've made it clear that you're a self-made man, and that no one can tell you how to live, but sometimes you think it might be nice to live indoors and eat people food.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Please stop comparing your own experiences to those of Sisyphus, who, unlike you, at least tried to get stuff done.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
A bizarre misunderstanding on the part of a bordello owner results in your getting flayed within an inch of your life by hot Asian teens.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
You're well on your way to becoming a better person, but only if your body doesn't reject the kidney.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Most messages from the Unknowable Infinite are vague and open to interpretation, but there's no pussyfooting around when it comes to your enormous ass.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
While it's true that performing crazy antics in a mascot suit is passé, it served you well for many years.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Next to its sheer beauty, the best thing about your throne of skulls is that every little skull represents a different memory.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
You'll be horrified to realize how low the entertainment industry has sunk when you see exactly what that wacky, perverted Rick Moranis has shrunk this time.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Soon you'll show them all. Unfortunately, exactly what you'll show them is neither pretty, nor viewable by those under 18.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
You're willing to do something to make the world a better place, but only if it entails using fire.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
This may be your star sign, but you have to admit that the differences between your own qualities and those indicated by the word "Aquarian" are pretty striking.
