Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
When people think of all the ways picnics are ruined, it's rare that they come up with even half of the weird shit you've pulled.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
There comes a time in all of our lives when we're forced to admit that we need help, though it's not usually with getting a piano off our chests.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
By this time next week, you'll be a living example of what it's like to get blued, screwed, and tattooed.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
It's actually pretty well known that the "S" in Harry S Truman didn't stand for anything. You'll have to impress girls some other way.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Your politics are tough, but fair. When you say "Put 'em all in camps," you do mean everybody.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
The typical Virgo is helpful to a fault, trusting in matters of love, and outgoing. That said, you probably got your powerful thirst for gin from your father.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
You've built a reputation as someone not to fuck with, which is unfortunate, as you would really like some fucking.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Buddha says that, while he may show you the way, only you can truly save yourself, proving once and for all that he's a lazy, fat bastard.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
You haven't seen a lot of coroner's reports, but you're pretty sure yours shouldn't end with the phrase "right in the goddamn nuts!!!"
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Making the mature decision to throw out your beer-can collection will offer an added bonus when you find out that some of the cans still have beer in them.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
The government has spent thousands of dollars training you to be a highly efficient killing machine, so please try and act like one from now on.
