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Past Horoscopes

March 16, 2010

Aries There truly is more than one way to skin a cat, but the limited market for cat skins makes learning more than three methods impractical.

March 9, 2010

Taurus Fear and Jealousy will soon tear you apart, which is rather unfortunate, as Fear and Jealousy are the two pitbulls that live next door.

March 2, 2010

Gemini The presence of Saturn in your sign this week indicates strength, determination, and you getting repeatedly struck by a Model SL1 Series.

February 16, 2010

Cancer Attempts to run away from the problem will fail this week when the problem turns out to be a short-circuited treadmill.

February 9, 2010

Leo Yes, love is a total mystery. Those semen stains, though, are probably a clue.

February 2, 2010

Virgo Your new pheromone-based cologne will make you irresistible to women, who will devour you, bones, hair, and all.

January 26, 2010

Libra The red-tailed hawk is known for its hooked bill, its sharp claws, and after this Thursday, its rather keen sense of revenge.

January 19, 2010

Scorpio The story of the universe has always fascinated you, but the ending will leave you with a lot of unanswered questions.

January 12, 2010

Sagittarius When it comes to race relations, you're colorblind. Also when it comes to sofas, desk chairs, and traffic lights.

See All Horoscopes

April 28, 2004 | Issue 40•17

 

Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19

You love pointing out that you were raised by wolves, but you never mention that they were Harvard-educated, old-money Boston wolves.

 

Taurus Apr 20 - May 20

Not that it's really the Zodiac's business, but most people take the dead goldfish out of the tank before adding new ones. The same goes for the drowned cats.

 

Gemini May 21 - Jun 21

Plastic bags are not a toy, but you understand that they can still be a lot of fun if you use them to smother children.

 

Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22

You may say there's nothing wrong with you that a week in the Bahamas won't cure, but the stars recommend you get the chemotherapy.

 

Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22

The stars have always been a great influence on your fate. This will never be as true as it is next week, when a certain yellow G-type variable star cuts loose with a really impressive flare.

 

Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22

Everyone has problems, but they don't all expect the whole universe to come to a standstill because of them. Only about half of them expect that.

 

Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23

You'll no longer have any reason to doubt the transcendent power of love after you see it obliterate an entire armored division in military tests.

 

Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21

Some people would cut off their nose to spite their face, but you're not like that. You did it because you thought it would make you look like a wingless man-bat hybrid.

 

Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21

A bizarre misunderstanding on your part will result in your going to church every Sunday and speaking sincerely to invisible entities with the belief that it might do you some sort of good.

 

Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19

Your millions can't help you find love and happiness, especially because the word "millions" here doesn't indicate any sort of monetary unit.

 

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18

You'll watch as dozens die in a bus accident, but take heart: Everyone will know there was nothing you could have done without severely inconveniencing yourself.

 

Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20

You've been forced to conclude that people are just no good, no matter how you slice, puree, braise, fry, or sauté them.

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