Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Your infamous good-natured but ill-fated meddling in others' lives will reach its peak when you screw up a trilateral Asian trade agreement in the 11th hour.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
It'll be hard to get used to your new life, but you'll come to realize you wouldn't trade it for all the working legs and non-prehensile noses in the world.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Take heart: There is indeed a ruler of the universe who surpasses all understanding and is greater than all men. Luckily, He never seems to notice us.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
You've always insisted that no one can completely understand your problems. That raises the question of why you won't fucking stop talking about them, then.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
You've heard that no two snowflakes are alike, and you're pretty certain that this indicates an ethical failing on their part.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Neither love nor money makes the world go round. Unfortunately, we're down to about 17 ounces of the highly unstable stuff that does.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
You've always stressed the importance of manners, but you don't think they need to prevent anyone from killing as many people as possible.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Next week will serve as a good example of what happens to people who listen to old wives' tales, especially the ones whose old husbands are high-ranking Masonic elders.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
You know you're supposed to keep your friends close and your enemies closer, but that advice is of little help to an avowed cat person.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Although you firmly believe there are two kinds of people in the world, it really creeps you out that you can't figure out what they are.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
You've always considered yourself to be good with children, making it quite a surprise when they all decide to hunt you down.
