Your Horoscope
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer
Aries March 21 - April 19
Interior decorators claim that only about 18 inches of space is needed for people to pass between furnishings, but that was before they got a load of you.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
The stars do indeed hold the wisdom of the cosmos and the secrets of creation, but few realize that they also hold the hottest after-parties.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
The more you think about it, the more you like the idea of having 12 young men dance around you at all times—as long as it's tastefully done.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
Your emotional stasis, lack of imagination, and inability to tell right from wrong will continue to be valuable assets in the world of high finance.
Leo July 23 - August 22
You're not sure that mandatory drug testing is constitutional, but, that said, you're willing to give them a try.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Professional athletes often help out in their communities, but you've been a problem in your community for years, and not one athlete has done crap for you.
Libra September 23 - October 23
You'll disprove the old chestnut about nice guys finishing last by losing consistently while being a gigantic prick.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
It's hard to tell someone who's always been there for you that you're no longer in love with him, but that's why you'll hire a publicist.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Stop telling people you have a "unique vision for America." Many producers of big-time Hollywood musicals had the same unique vision before you did.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
The extreme weather conditions of next week will be hard on infants, the elderly, and you, a person who displays the worst qualities of both.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You'll soon find love with someone whose indifference, lack of self-respect, and ability to suspend disbelief are perfect for you.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Your career is going so well that at this rate, there might not be any nurses left alive in six years.
Past Horoscopes
September 30, 2008
Issue 44•40
Aries Your life has always resembled something out of a movie, which explains the scrolling end credits this week.
September 23, 2008
Issue 44•39
Taurus Will you finally get that big job promotion? Is whirlwind romance in the cards for you? Tune in to Taurus next week for all the answers and more!
September 16, 2008
Issue 44•38
Gemini If you knew what was coming, you wouldn't be wasting valuable time reading your horoscope.
September 9, 2008
Issue 44•37
Cancer Your lucky numbers for this week are: 812, √3/14, 0.0000085, and π.
September 2, 2008
Issue 44•36
Leo Late summer is a good time for you to step back and take stock of your life. Coincidentally, early fall is a good time to explore dignified methods of suicide.
August 26, 2008
Issue 44•35
Virgo The stars indicate that they have your new astrological prediction right here. Yeah, come and get it, hot stuff.
August 19, 2008
Issue 44•34
Libra Remember: When people say that children are our future, they're talking about much healthier infants than yours.
August 12, 2008
Issue 44•33
Scorpio Onlookers will be moved by your quiet dignity, inner strength, and unflinching resolve. Then, your pants will fall down.
August 5, 2008
Issue 44•32
Sagittarius Fire and water magicks are strong in your sign this week, though unfortunately for you, not at the same time.