Your Horoscope
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer
Aries March 21 - April 19
Your insistence that no one can possibly know how you feel right now will only point out how pathetic it is to be dumped by three bearded ladies in a row.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
It will be difficult to explain why you thought the guard dogs would make an exception for you.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
There is indeed a secret to happiness in life, but you mustn't assume that it's the kind of secret that would make you happier if you knew it.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
Even the people who love you most call you cold and unapproachable, but that's the price you pay for being the north face of the Eiger.
Leo July 23 - August 22
You've never been the type of person who can be bound by society's silly rules, which is why they use all those silly ropes and chains.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
The weather will be fairly nice this Saturday, but trust us, that won't be what they'll be talking about in the news.
Libra September 23 - October 23
The black widow spider does not have the most powerful venom of any spider in the world, but it's still going to do quite a number on your legs.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
Once again, your alma mater refuses to honor your achievements, instead toasting some guy who won something called the Pulitzer Prize.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
They say there's nothing new under the sun, so it'll come as no surprise when this week turns out to be exactly like the third week of July 1997.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
You'll be ridiculed by your fellow citizens for merely standing on the street corner and shouting at the top of your lungs that the world is evil.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Not everyone finds the kind of love they want. Then again, so far, no one has had to settle for you, either.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Your confusing the Spanish words "abogado" and "bodega" will lead to your having the worst legal counsel in Mexico next week.
Past Horoscopes
August 26, 2008
Issue 44•35
Aries They say that a little hard work and perseverance never killed anyone, but you and your trusty knife are about to prove them wrong.
August 19, 2008
Issue 44•34
Taurus Turns out it's not the ability to reason that separates us from the animals, but rather a very thin, very flimsy wire fence.
August 12, 2008
Issue 44•33
Gemini Regret will be yours this week when you're forced to choose between a slice of cherry pie and everlasting life.
August 5, 2008
Issue 44•32
Cancer You'll rue the day all that delicious ice cream was delivered to your home, proving once and for all that you don't know what "rue" means.
July 29, 2008
Issue 44•31
Leo Surprises await Leo around every corner, down several long stretches of highway, and over one rather bumpy off-ramp this week.
July 22, 2008
Issue 44•30
Virgo Dogs and their owners will often begin to look alike after years of living together, though it's hard to tell with your face inside that bowl half the time.
July 15, 2008
Issue 44•29
Libra Though last Tuesday may not have seemed like much to you, trust us: It was the best day of your life.
July 8, 2008
Issue 44•28
Scorpio Sometimes the truth can be difficult to hear. Thankfully, a battery-operated megaphone will make your past failures crystal clear.
June 17, 2008
Issue 44•25
Sagittarius Lately it feels like you're living a lie, which would explain the part about winning the pie-eating contest, swimming in shark infested waters, and having sex with women.