Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Your insistence that no one can possibly know how you feel right now will only point out how pathetic it is to be dumped by three bearded ladies in a row.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
It will be difficult to explain why you thought the guard dogs would make an exception for you.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
There is indeed a secret to happiness in life, but you mustn't assume that it's the kind of secret that would make you happier if you knew it.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Even the people who love you most call you cold and unapproachable, but that's the price you pay for being the north face of the Eiger.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
You've never been the type of person who can be bound by society's silly rules, which is why they use all those silly ropes and chains.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
The weather will be fairly nice this Saturday, but trust us, that won't be what they'll be talking about in the news.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
The black widow spider does not have the most powerful venom of any spider in the world, but it's still going to do quite a number on your legs.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Once again, your alma mater refuses to honor your achievements, instead toasting some guy who won something called the Pulitzer Prize.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
They say there's nothing new under the sun, so it'll come as no surprise when this week turns out to be exactly like the third week of July 1997.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
You'll be ridiculed by your fellow citizens for merely standing on the street corner and shouting at the top of your lungs that the world is evil.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Not everyone finds the kind of love they want. Then again, so far, no one has had to settle for you, either.
