Your Horoscope
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer
Aries March 21 - April 19
Friends will marvel at your transformation from a dumpy stay-at-home into the Italian Baroque-style Saengre Theater, New Orleans' premier venue for classical concerts and Broadway musicals.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
You're growing tired of the same routine week in and week out, but, hey, that's a three- to nine-year counterfeiting sentence for you.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
You'll be awakened Wednesday by jackhammer-like pains in your skull, which will turn out to be a singularly apt simile.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
When your worst enemy meets her demise under the wheels of a cement truck, you'll be happy you made the effort of enlisting 16 people to help get it into her bedroom.
Leo July 23 - August 22
It turns out that "different" may be followed by "than" as long as the word introduces a clause, but that doesn't mean you have to like it.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
The discovery of long-lost aviatrix Amelia Earhart will leave you with a hell of a lot of explaining to do.
Libra September 23 - October 23
You're honestly trying to rid yourself of preconceived ideas, but it seems to be slowing down your day-to-day life.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
Sometimes it feels like true happiness slipped past you in an instant. In reality, it crept by slowly, taking extreme care not to be seen.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
You should explore new conversational tactics. Trapping people in a pincer formation of battle tanks is proving socially awkward.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
You won't be acting especially smug when it happens, but a 100-mile-per-hour sandstorm will still wipe that smile right off your face.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
It will be difficult to persuade people to listen to your arguments, but you're profoundly certain that there are things a Klingon commander would simply never say.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
There's an adage that says it's better to be a live jackal than a dead lion, but it still comes as a surprise that those are your only choices.
Past Horoscopes
August 19, 2008
Issue 44•34
Aries You'll lean on friends and family members this week, slowly drowning all of them when your boat capsizes.
August 12, 2008
Issue 44•33
Taurus The stars, in their infinite wisdom, indicate that you have something on your shirt. Also the stars indicate that you always fall for that one.
August 5, 2008
Issue 44•32
Gemini Remember: While resorting to violence is never the answer, starting off with violence almost always is.
July 29, 2008
Issue 44•31
Cancer The rise of Uranus in your sign indicates great loss and misfortune, but you'll be too busy giggling to yourself to really notice.
July 22, 2008
Issue 44•30
Leo You've never been the athletic type, so it's a bit of a surprise when you're suddenly struck with a dozen errant javelins.
July 15, 2008
Issue 44•29
Virgo You'll finally catch the great white whale this week, only to realize the damned thing is just a metaphor.
July 8, 2008
Issue 44•28
Libra Your financial situation takes a turn for the worse this week when that damn quarter slips loose and falls behind a sofa cushion.
June 17, 2008
Issue 44•25
Scorpio Turns out it's neither the heat nor the humidity, but rather a foot-long meatball sub that will cause all the sweating.
June 10, 2008
Issue 44•24
Sagittarius When carrying out a book-burning, first stoke the fire with smaller, lighter works from Austen and Waugh, before throwing on the heavier hardbacks of Tolstoy and Joyce.