Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
You're about to learn that words can hurt, especially those written in the Demon Alphabet of Foul Khal-Ru the Soul-Drinker.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
You'll be violated hundreds of times by out-of-control alcoholics, but it's to be expected, considering that you're the local ordinance against drunk and disorderly conduct.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Depression will wash over you exactly like a great wave this week, leaving sand everywhere you don't want it.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Right about now, you're probably dying to know what all has happened since you fell asleep last Valentine's Day.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
A dark time in your life will come to a sudden end after an unexpected, drastic improvement in Ronald Reagan's condition.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
You'd long given up any hope, but a voice from your past will inform you that it is indeed okay for you to have the rest of the cottage cheese.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
It has always been difficult for you to say you're sorry, but you will face your greatest challenge this Thursday, when wasps build a nest in your larynx.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
You claim that you never asked for this crap, but there's your signature, plain as day, on all the crap-request forms.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
You'll learn an important lesson about violence this week—specifically, what can happen when you're not very good at it.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Your kissing booth will raise a lot of money for charity, but you're about to see more asses than you ever knew existed.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
The weird and sometimes unfriendly looks you'll receive on your bus ride through the South are perhaps the only downside to your new hobby as a Civil Rights re-enactor.
