Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
You were all set to have a whirlwind week of romance and a landslide financial success, but a supernova in Cancer has changed your fortune to regular whirlwinds and landslides.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
You will have mixed feelings about your career this week when you're unexpectedly promoted from assistant third-shift server to Admiral of the Fifth Fleet.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
You're about to go through a very sad time of the soul, but now that Ray Charles is dead, that's pretty much true for everybody.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
You've said that your head will explode if you hear one more bad dance remix, but club-goers will still be shocked and appalled when it happens.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
You'll disprove an old adage this week when you use violence to solve the General Deg 5 polynomial equation.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
If you had to do it all over again, you wouldn't change a thing, which proves that you're a masochistic submoron.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Getting hit by a crosstown city bus once was bad enough, but you thought moving to the countryside of Pago Pago would prevent a second incident.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Many twins have a certain telepathy, which explains why someone who looks just like you will appear this week and order you to stop thinking about pie.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Sports metaphors are among the most trite, but it's hard to deny that your life is a lot like buzkashi, a violent Afghan form of polo played with goat corpses.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
The story of your ocean voyage will inspire a song of such tragic beauty that it will be known as the next "Edmund Fitzgerald."
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
What with the threshing machine, the barrels of cyanide, and the Gatling gun, the coroner will have a hell of a time determining your cause of death.
