Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
You'll stumble onto the secret of true happiness, but unfortunately, you won't be able to figure out a way to charge people for it.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Never doubt that a small, dedicated group of individuals can change the world with a few vials of smallpox virus and a kilogram of plutonium.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Banana-macadamia-nut pancakes may be heavenly, but as an eternal reward for faith and good works, they'll fall just a tad short.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Your therapist will insist that childhood trauma is the cause of your unusual behavior, but it was only recently that you started screaming and crying for candy.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
You'll be the first human being to catch a rare virus from the common pigeon, proving conclusively that it can be sexually transmitted.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Turns out the thing about getting 72 virgins in heaven is true, but it also turns out all they want to do is play Madden.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
As soon as it's confirmed that you are indeed the world's most arrogant jackass, you'll be traded to the Yankees for a left-handed reliever.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Everyone's talking about the Cassini spacecraft's amazing seven-year journey to Saturn, a trip that makes your seven-day vacation to Baltimore look like a fool's errand.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
The long-awaited People's Revolution will come this week, pleasantly surprising you with the communist belief that you urgently need a jet-ski.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
You're the envy of all your friends, but only because they're tasteless masochists.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
You'll receive a two-hour lecture from renowned economist Milton Friedman merely for claiming that a penny saved is a penny earned.
