Past Horoscopes
November 3, 2009
Aries Your body will soon go through a series of new and exciting changes, thanks in large part to the amazing reconstructive work of Dr. Howard Rosenthall.
October 27, 2009
Taurus The rise of Jupiter in your sign indicates that Jesus Christ, come on now, get your goddamn finances in order already.
October 20, 2009
Gemini You're prepared to go to any length to get your wife back, which is funny, as finding what remains of her will actually require you to go to any depth.
October 13, 2009
Cancer Newton's laws say that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, proving he knew nothing about women.
October 6, 2009
Leo You may think your peers have lost all respect for you, but fear not: It's impossible to lose something you never really had.
September 22, 2009
Virgo You'll fail to pull yourself up by your bootstraps this week when your boots become tangled in the traffic helicopter's landing skids.
September 15, 2009
Libra The stars hereby grant you the secret of lighter, fluffier pancakes: Use sour cream instead of milk.
September 8, 2009
Scorpio You've managed to overcome a lot in order to become senior marketing manager, primarily your hopes, aspirations and dreams.
September 1, 2009
Sagittarius A crazy person will try to convince you that the stars are vast, distant balls of gaseous matter. Ignore him.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
People would have disapproved of your long-term career plans even if you hadn't carved them into the flesh of your enemies.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
You'll welcome a new life into the world next week, when a dimensional portal opens in your den and vomits forth an extraplanar pig-beast of astounding malevolence.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Your prayers will finally be answered, but due to a mistake in routing, the response will come from the assistant postmaster of Fayetteville, AR.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Psychoanalysis focuses on causes, therapy focuses on consequences, but your new method of counseling people focuses mostly on drilling holes in them.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Try to keep a sense of proportion next week, particularly when serving yourself a "decent-sized" slice of pie.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
You'll be the envy of all the sexual-product engineers when your dildo design is admitted to the Vibrary of Congress.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
You'll continue to be tormented by the sight of tiny symbols which, when viewed, cause you to hear words in your head.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
You're starting to think that traveling the country looking for crooks is a little silly, but really, there's little other place in society for a talking dog.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Scholars have decided that you probably don't exist at all, and are just a composite character based on several minor figures from the writings of George Sand.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
You'll be of two minds about things next week, primarily because of the renegade saw blade that neatly severs your corpus callosum Monday.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
You'll make archeological history when, while looking for a good place to eat downtown, you instead discover the lost biblical city of Urkesh.
