Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
People would have disapproved of your long-term career plans even if you hadn't carved them into the flesh of your enemies.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
You'll welcome a new life into the world next week, when a dimensional portal opens in your den and vomits forth an extraplanar pig-beast of astounding malevolence.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Your prayers will finally be answered, but due to a mistake in routing, the response will come from the assistant postmaster of Fayetteville, AR.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Psychoanalysis focuses on causes, therapy focuses on consequences, but your new method of counseling people focuses mostly on drilling holes in them.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Try to keep a sense of proportion next week, particularly when serving yourself a "decent-sized" slice of pie.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
You'll be the envy of all the sexual-product engineers when your dildo design is admitted to the Vibrary of Congress.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
You'll continue to be tormented by the sight of tiny symbols which, when viewed, cause you to hear words in your head.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
You're starting to think that traveling the country looking for crooks is a little silly, but really, there's little other place in society for a talking dog.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Scholars have decided that you probably don't exist at all, and are just a composite character based on several minor figures from the writings of George Sand.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
You'll be of two minds about things next week, primarily because of the renegade saw blade that neatly severs your corpus callosum Monday.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
You'll make archeological history when, while looking for a good place to eat downtown, you instead discover the lost biblical city of Urkesh.
