Your Horoscope
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer
Aries March 21 - April 19
The stars know it's hurricane season throughout the coastal regions, but the mounting waves of bear attacks should provide some variety.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
You thought your new sportscar could do everything but love you, so its declaration of devotion will come as quite a shock.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
A nice gesture will go terribly awry this Sunday, when wearing a suit and tie for once does kill you after all.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
You'll be unprepared for your sudden rise to a career in high finance, which is probably why you'll fuck it up so bad.
Leo July 23 - August 22
You're tired of people accusing you of throwing money at your problems. Luckily, these people can usually be bribed to shut up.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
A friend who always astounds you with her lousy taste in men will blow you away with her execrable taste in names for quadruplets.
Libra September 23 - October 23
No one will characterize your efforts as above and beyond the call of duty. For God's sake, you just did the dishes.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
Michael Jordan said that you miss 100 percent of the shots you don't take, which is apparently supposed to inspire you to great feats in real-estate sales.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Wearing roller skates everywhere you go may have been a cute eccentricity during your residency, but you're a doctor now.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Your decision to take up bicycling will cause many in your area to rethink their call for increased bicycle safety.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You'll be an inspiration to the downtrodden millions, but in a way that will see dozens of cities in flames by the end of this century.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Your most cherished dream will die this week, which would be tragic if it weren't to float around in a Texas-shaped pool filled with beer.
Past Horoscopes
August 26, 2008
Issue 44•35
Aries They say that a little hard work and perseverance never killed anyone, but you and your trusty knife are about to prove them wrong.
August 19, 2008
Issue 44•34
Taurus Turns out it's not the ability to reason that separates us from the animals, but rather a very thin, very flimsy wire fence.
August 12, 2008
Issue 44•33
Gemini Regret will be yours this week when you're forced to choose between a slice of cherry pie and everlasting life.
August 5, 2008
Issue 44•32
Cancer You'll rue the day all that delicious ice cream was delivered to your home, proving once and for all that you don't know what "rue" means.
July 29, 2008
Issue 44•31
Leo Surprises await Leo around every corner, down several long stretches of highway, and over one rather bumpy off-ramp this week.
July 22, 2008
Issue 44•30
Virgo Dogs and their owners will often begin to look alike after years of living together, though it's hard to tell with your face inside that bowl half the time.
July 15, 2008
Issue 44•29
Libra Though last Tuesday may not have seemed like much to you, trust us: It was the best day of your life.
July 8, 2008
Issue 44•28
Scorpio Sometimes the truth can be difficult to hear. Thankfully, a battery-operated megaphone will make your past failures crystal clear.
June 17, 2008
Issue 44•25
Sagittarius Lately it feels like you're living a lie, which would explain the part about winning the pie-eating contest, swimming in shark infested waters, and having sex with women.