Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
The stars know it's hurricane season throughout the coastal regions, but the mounting waves of bear attacks should provide some variety.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
You thought your new sportscar could do everything but love you, so its declaration of devotion will come as quite a shock.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
A nice gesture will go terribly awry this Sunday, when wearing a suit and tie for once does kill you after all.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
You'll be unprepared for your sudden rise to a career in high finance, which is probably why you'll fuck it up so bad.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
You're tired of people accusing you of throwing money at your problems. Luckily, these people can usually be bribed to shut up.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
A friend who always astounds you with her lousy taste in men will blow you away with her execrable taste in names for quadruplets.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
No one will characterize your efforts as above and beyond the call of duty. For God's sake, you just did the dishes.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Michael Jordan said that you miss 100 percent of the shots you don't take, which is apparently supposed to inspire you to great feats in real-estate sales.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Wearing roller skates everywhere you go may have been a cute eccentricity during your residency, but you're a doctor now.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Your decision to take up bicycling will cause many in your area to rethink their call for increased bicycle safety.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
You'll be an inspiration to the downtrodden millions, but in a way that will see dozens of cities in flames by the end of this century.
