Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
The authorities will eventually decide to release you on your own recognizance, which is almost certainly the cruelest thing they can think to do.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
You'll be trapped in a hell of your own making, forcing you to admit that you really should have put in more bathrooms.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Your belief that God does not play dice with the universe will be tested by the discovery of a 10,000-mile-long craps table on Jupiter.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Try as you might, you'll never be able to convince FEMA that Baltimore was like that when you got there.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Astounding as it seems, the transit of Saturn across your sign portends that you'll have a decent time at RiverFest this weekend.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
You'll finally break the endlessly mounting tension at work when you cause the rollback of that aggravating "days without an accident" sign.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Once all the goats are rounded up, the German tourists are extradited, and the syrup trucks are returned, you'll have to admit that you never saw that one coming.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Your promise to rebuild the world with blood, pain, and legal pot will resonate with the weirdest voting bloc yet recorded.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Some people believe your house in Heaven is filled with all the things you lost while on earth, which explains the dead pets lying everywhere.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
You've never been a big fan of cigars, but if there's a cooler-looking way to light all those fuses, you're not aware of it.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
The aliens will claim that our primitive language contains no word for the emotion they're feeling, but that's bullshit. They're bored out of their skulls.
