Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
The "before" and "after" photos of your diet plan are dramatic, but it's the "during" photos that will fill the jury box with vomit.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Experts agree that getting enough sleep is important, but they look like the kind of cunning, crafty experts who would love to catch you unconscious.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
By the time government troops are able to cut through the locks of your Love Zeppelin and "rescue" everyone inside, you'll already be a folk hero.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
No, no, no—you're supposed to gently heat the garlic cloves until they caramelize, you moron, not turn them into a burnt paste.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Sharpening the nation's steering wheels and promoting proper tire deflation will be your first priorities when you're appointed to chair the Institute of Highway Danger.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
You'll get a chance to do it all again knowing what you know now, taking the fun out of about 15 Super Bowls.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
You're the prime suspect after witnesses overhear you say you're "so hungry I could eat either a horse or the dismembered body of the vice-president of that bank on Garfield Street."
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Piracy is still a major problem in the Philippines, but that's a pretty lousy reason to want to move there.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
People will complain to you about the disruption of traffic, but it's not your fault that love-struck buildings are following you everywhere.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
You suspect it was a misprint when the newspaper claimed that drinking a glass of red wine once a minute is good for the heart, but what the hell.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Very few of your monetary problems will be over when you win the record-low lottery jackpot of $.0000017 million.
