Your Horoscope
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer
Aries March 21 - April 19
This week, it's more important than ever to remember Moscow Rule No. 7: Lull your opposition into a false sense of complacency.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Canadians are known the world over for their laid-back attitude, which makes it even stranger that thousands of them have barricaded you in your house.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
Your tireless efforts have finally united America's workers, but it's less glorious than it sounds, given that you're the NFL's director of brand marketing.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
You've finally run up against a problem your trusty meat cleaver can't solve, but that's why they make big wooden mallets.
Leo July 23 - August 22
An attempt to popularize the book-length homilies of Laura Ingalls Wilder will result in professional wrestling's strangest phase yet.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Your inability to keep a recent fascination with the rock group Kansas to yourself will result in the first recorded use of a ducking stool since 1848.
Libra September 23 - October 23
When you finally come out of the coma, friends will cheer your decision to reveal your recipe for Polish Bacon Buns.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
You won't exactly fade into obscurity after your death, considering that that's where you spent all of your life.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
When the aliens finally arrive, they'll be much less advanced than anyone expected, as evinced by your maiming under the bald tires of their out-of-control '79 Buick.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
You'll be thrown into a panic when the doctor diagnoses you with ulnar nerve damage, until he explains that that's just funny-bone trouble.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Stephen Hawking will revise his controversial theory on black holes, leaving you stumped about that noisy thing in your sink that eats garbage.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
The stars convey the wisdom that men and women are different, making you wonder momentarily if they might not just be giant fusion reactors after all.
Past Horoscopes
August 19, 2008
Issue 44•34
Aries You'll lean on friends and family members this week, slowly drowning all of them when your boat capsizes.
August 12, 2008
Issue 44•33
Taurus The stars, in their infinite wisdom, indicate that you have something on your shirt. Also the stars indicate that you always fall for that one.
August 5, 2008
Issue 44•32
Gemini Remember: While resorting to violence is never the answer, starting off with violence almost always is.
July 29, 2008
Issue 44•31
Cancer The rise of Uranus in your sign indicates great loss and misfortune, but you'll be too busy giggling to yourself to really notice.
July 22, 2008
Issue 44•30
Leo You've never been the athletic type, so it's a bit of a surprise when you're suddenly struck with a dozen errant javelins.
July 15, 2008
Issue 44•29
Virgo You'll finally catch the great white whale this week, only to realize the damned thing is just a metaphor.
July 8, 2008
Issue 44•28
Libra Your financial situation takes a turn for the worse this week when that damn quarter slips loose and falls behind a sofa cushion.
June 17, 2008
Issue 44•25
Scorpio Turns out it's neither the heat nor the humidity, but rather a foot-long meatball sub that will cause all the sweating.
June 10, 2008
Issue 44•24
Sagittarius When carrying out a book-burning, first stoke the fire with smaller, lighter works from Austen and Waugh, before throwing on the heavier hardbacks of Tolstoy and Joyce.