Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
This week, it's more important than ever to remember Moscow Rule No. 7: Lull your opposition into a false sense of complacency.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Canadians are known the world over for their laid-back attitude, which makes it even stranger that thousands of them have barricaded you in your house.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Your tireless efforts have finally united America's workers, but it's less glorious than it sounds, given that you're the NFL's director of brand marketing.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
You've finally run up against a problem your trusty meat cleaver can't solve, but that's why they make big wooden mallets.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
An attempt to popularize the book-length homilies of Laura Ingalls Wilder will result in professional wrestling's strangest phase yet.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Your inability to keep a recent fascination with the rock group Kansas to yourself will result in the first recorded use of a ducking stool since 1848.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
When you finally come out of the coma, friends will cheer your decision to reveal your recipe for Polish Bacon Buns.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
You won't exactly fade into obscurity after your death, considering that that's where you spent all of your life.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
When the aliens finally arrive, they'll be much less advanced than anyone expected, as evinced by your maiming under the bald tires of their out-of-control '79 Buick.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
You'll be thrown into a panic when the doctor diagnoses you with ulnar nerve damage, until he explains that that's just funny-bone trouble.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Stephen Hawking will revise his controversial theory on black holes, leaving you stumped about that noisy thing in your sink that eats garbage.
