Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Your love is dead, but dead love is not like a dead person. All the car batteries, radioactive injections, and monkey extract in the world won't bring it back.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Certain factors beyond your control—albeit not beyond your comprehension—will prevent you from being initiated into the Sapphic mysteries.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
You always thought ghosts could fly, walk through walls, and commune with those yet living, but you'll just have to be content with knocking over the occasional teacup.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
You've always considered yourself something of a shutterbug, but that's certainly not what the Interpol agents who confiscate your hard drive will call you.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
They say beggars can't be choosers, but to hell with them—you don't feel like going to the soup kitchen.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
You really shouldn't let the weather get you down—unless, of course, you call a rain of house-sized asteroids "weather."
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
People are fond of saying that teaching a pig to sing will just waste your time and annoy the pig, once again undervaluing the importance of education.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Your "nationwide rollout" of a new women's razor will make headlines, but it certainly won't be in the business section.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Brave men and women of the revolution will sacrifice their lives, fortunes, and sacred honor to free you from your chains, but their music really sucks.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
There may not even be an NHL season this year, so it won't make a ripple when you nearly kill a guy with a hockey stick.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
They say poetry is the unwatered wine of life, but regular old watered wine has always been good enough for you.
