Your Horoscope
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer
Aries March 21 - April 19
Your love is dead, but dead love is not like a dead person. All the car batteries, radioactive injections, and monkey extract in the world won't bring it back.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Certain factors beyond your control—albeit not beyond your comprehension—will prevent you from being initiated into the Sapphic mysteries.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
You always thought ghosts could fly, walk through walls, and commune with those yet living, but you'll just have to be content with knocking over the occasional teacup.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
You've always considered yourself something of a shutterbug, but that's certainly not what the Interpol agents who confiscate your hard drive will call you.
Leo July 23 - August 22
They say beggars can't be choosers, but to hell with them—you don't feel like going to the soup kitchen.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
You really shouldn't let the weather get you down—unless, of course, you call a rain of house-sized asteroids "weather."
Libra September 23 - October 23
People are fond of saying that teaching a pig to sing will just waste your time and annoy the pig, once again undervaluing the importance of education.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
Your "nationwide rollout" of a new women's razor will make headlines, but it certainly won't be in the business section.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Brave men and women of the revolution will sacrifice their lives, fortunes, and sacred honor to free you from your chains, but their music really sucks.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
There may not even be an NHL season this year, so it won't make a ripple when you nearly kill a guy with a hockey stick.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
They say poetry is the unwatered wine of life, but regular old watered wine has always been good enough for you.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
The stars usually concern themselves with your future, but they just wanted to remind you that at this time last year, you were "very seriously" considering law school.
Past Horoscopes
August 26, 2008
Issue 44•35
Aries They say that a little hard work and perseverance never killed anyone, but you and your trusty knife are about to prove them wrong.
August 19, 2008
Issue 44•34
Taurus Turns out it's not the ability to reason that separates us from the animals, but rather a very thin, very flimsy wire fence.
August 12, 2008
Issue 44•33
Gemini Regret will be yours this week when you're forced to choose between a slice of cherry pie and everlasting life.
August 5, 2008
Issue 44•32
Cancer You'll rue the day all that delicious ice cream was delivered to your home, proving once and for all that you don't know what "rue" means.
July 29, 2008
Issue 44•31
Leo Surprises await Leo around every corner, down several long stretches of highway, and over one rather bumpy off-ramp this week.
July 22, 2008
Issue 44•30
Virgo Dogs and their owners will often begin to look alike after years of living together, though it's hard to tell with your face inside that bowl half the time.
July 15, 2008
Issue 44•29
Libra Though last Tuesday may not have seemed like much to you, trust us: It was the best day of your life.
July 8, 2008
Issue 44•28
Scorpio Sometimes the truth can be difficult to hear. Thankfully, a battery-operated megaphone will make your past failures crystal clear.
June 17, 2008
Issue 44•25
Sagittarius Lately it feels like you're living a lie, which would explain the part about winning the pie-eating contest, swimming in shark infested waters, and having sex with women.