Your Horoscope
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer
Aries March 21 - April 19
Your beloved Sparky will shock you by traveling 1,000 miles back to you. But then again, loyalty is the reason you married him in the first place.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
It's going to be a busy, nerve-wracking week, but by the end, you'll be elevated to Imperator For Life Of The Greater Taurus Economic Co-Prosperity Sphere.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
No one's ever called you a rich, sexy genius, but that was before National Say Hurtfully Untrue Things Day.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
You'll help realize Western civilization's oldest dream, but it's only the one about getting to school late on exam day.
Leo July 23 - August 22
An unlikely coincidence involving the spontaneous combustion of your trousers and their subsequent suspension from communications cables will not be enough to teach you to tell the truth.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
You're working hard on your list of songs you want played at your funeral, but the flawed premise of the project is that it assumes the presence of attendees.
Libra September 23 - October 23
Your reading group insists that the Iowa School is more concerned with list-making than with producing good fiction, but frankly, you just wanted to talk about hobbits.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
Don't waste time developing a healthy body image, as your body will look a hell of a lot different starting Thursday.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Romance and a felicitous atmosphere for new projects are foretold by the moon passing through your sign this week, as well as—wait a second! That's no moon!
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
It's difficult to be compassionate and loving in today's increasingly cruel world. The term "diminishing returns" comes to mind.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You'll be repeatedly cited as a living refutation of the Great Man theory of history.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
All the stars in your sign have an important message of hope, but you may not get it before the sudden explosion in your galactic spiral arm Wednesday.
Past Horoscopes
July 8, 2008
Issue 44•28
Aries There's nothing quite like the love of a real woman. Then again, if the plaster sets properly and the paint dries evenly, you'll have the next best thing.
June 17, 2008
Issue 44•25
Taurus The mere mention of your name strikes fear and terror in the hearts of men, though that's mainly because it's so difficult to pronounce.
June 10, 2008
Issue 44•24
Gemini While it's often understood that racism, by nature, is borne of ignorance, your claim that the Irish control the media will still seem particularly uneducated this week.
June 3, 2008
Issue 44•23
Cancer The streets will run red with the blood of the innocent and the pure this week—so relax, you have absolutely nothing to worry about.
May 27, 2008
Issue 44•22
Leo The little black dress is an instant sophisticator—slimming, elegant, and timeless—but you'd be better off going with something flame-resistant this weekend.
May 20, 2008
Issue 44•21
Virgo You're about to embark on an incredible life-changing experience—one involving the collapsing of your lungs, the expansion of your heart, and the rapid evacuation of your bowels.
May 13, 2008
Issue 44•20
Libra A healthy relationship is all about compromise, or at least that's what you'll agree to in order to get your partner off your back.
May 6, 2008
Issue 44•19
Scorpio Remember: Those who can't do, teach. And those who can't teach just keep repeating the same tired maxim over and over again.
April 29, 2008
Issue 44•18
Sagittarius They say you have the grace of a dancer and the agility of a world-class gymnast. After that, though, it's usually just a bunch of mean-spirited laughter.