Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Your beloved Sparky will shock you by traveling 1,000 miles back to you. But then again, loyalty is the reason you married him in the first place.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
It's going to be a busy, nerve-wracking week, but by the end, you'll be elevated to Imperator For Life Of The Greater Taurus Economic Co-Prosperity Sphere.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
No one's ever called you a rich, sexy genius, but that was before National Say Hurtfully Untrue Things Day.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
You'll help realize Western civilization's oldest dream, but it's only the one about getting to school late on exam day.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
An unlikely coincidence involving the spontaneous combustion of your trousers and their subsequent suspension from communications cables will not be enough to teach you to tell the truth.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
You're working hard on your list of songs you want played at your funeral, but the flawed premise of the project is that it assumes the presence of attendees.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Your reading group insists that the Iowa School is more concerned with list-making than with producing good fiction, but frankly, you just wanted to talk about hobbits.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Don't waste time developing a healthy body image, as your body will look a hell of a lot different starting Thursday.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Romance and a felicitous atmosphere for new projects are foretold by the moon passing through your sign this week, as well as—wait a second! That's no moon!
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
It's difficult to be compassionate and loving in today's increasingly cruel world. The term "diminishing returns" comes to mind.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
You'll be repeatedly cited as a living refutation of the Great Man theory of history.
