Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
When you die, your name will not be found in the Book of Eternal Life. That's because you died, duh.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
You're utterly unfit to survive in the world of advertising sales, but that's because it doesn't have the methane-rich atmosphere your species breathes.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Your life story has all the elements of a classic revenge tale, or at least it will after Wednesday's company picnic.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Just a few more months and you'll be able to point out historical inaccuracies in people's Halloween costumes.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Unfortunately, unless New York drastically reforms the trampoline-zoning laws in the Empire State neighborhood, you'll just have to find a different way to commit suicide.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
You're starting to develop a sneaking suspicion that other people are having more sex, parties, and all-around fun than you are, which just proves that it takes you a while to catch on sometimes.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Marriage, with the levels of cooperation it demands, is not for everyone. So it's actually a good thing that it's illegal for you.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Not that it's really the stars' business, but you really should have lived your life so as to be more affected by the recent death of Czeslaw Milosz.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
You don't get to choose your parents, but your brilliant merging of dating services and time travel are about to change all that.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
You'll be questioned by authorities and charged with criminal incompetence after a man you supposedly taught to fish dies of starvation.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Being "on call" does tend to take its toll on your personal life, but as the Hot Dog King, you've gotta expect that.
