Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Your possession of a mystical third eye would cause less comment if you were also in possession of two regular eyes.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
It'll be months before you're allowed to show your face at the club again, after you get into a fistfight with the steward over the greatest living coloratura.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
This week, you'll learn a very important lesson about going for it on fourth down with so much time left on the clock.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
You're usually pretty careful, so it's worth mentioning when 36 are wounded during your trip to the grocery store.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
You'll wake up feeling pretty certain that the talking gorilla was just a dream, but that doesn't explain the Gorilla-to-English dictionary you find under your pillow.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
You'll do much weeping over what's going to happen to you this week, but because of the nature of the incident, gnashing of teeth won't really be an option.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Chef Gerard Pangaud's signature dishes include sweetbreads with morels, as well as lobster with ginger, lime, and Sauternes, but he's made it clear that they're not for you.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
You'll be the first victim of the soon-to-be-popular "running 1000 volts through the take-a-penny tray" trick.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
The presence of Saturn in your sign usually indicates travel or pressing family issues, but it's been there for six months now, so it's probably just out of work again.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Your mistake at the self-serve pump will be monumental, but at least the amateur astronomers will enjoy watching your orbiting body for the next few weeks.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
It's been said that numbers don't lie, but that was before you had time to work your magic on the rigid little bastards.
