Your Horoscope
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer
Aries March 21 - April 19
You'll use your love of business books and your knowledge of science to write Sales Success Secrets Of The Strong And Weak Subatomic Forces.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
You'll show that you are capable of amazing acts of self-sacrifice in order to win the favor of the dread demon-beast Ktzaal.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
There's no closer bond than that of a man and his dog, especially if their mutual freedom means protecting each other during the D.A.'s cross-examination.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
Stealing the opposing team's mascot is a time-honored tradition, but it turns out the Muslims think of that big black rock as more than just a mascot.
Leo July 23 - August 22
You'll be integral to a process that will win your funeral director an award for unique approaches to challenging problems.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Most supercolliders are used to study subatomic particles, but the one at the University of Texas has you and a folding chair in mind.
Libra September 23 - October 23
You will descend into the bowels of the earth to battle the roaring monsters that inhabit its mysterious tunnels, and you will be slain by one 16 cars long.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
The other librarians will alternately praise your audacity and criticize your recklessness after you redesign the Dewey Decimal System on a drunken dare.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Satellite photos will reveal that the so-called "inland tidal wave" was caused by your fat ass cannonballing into Lake Mead.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
You'll be both deeply hurt and substantially enriched when you receive the MacArthur Foundation's first-ever $50,000 Dipshit Grant.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
It looked for a second like the amorous gorilla was going to have sex with you, but apparently, gorilla suits don't work that way.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
It turns out that train robbery, although exciting and challenging, just gets you a bunch of cows these days.
Past Horoscopes
July 15, 2008
Issue 44•29
Aries You're not the type of person who gives up easily, forcing SWAT team officers to burst in through the skylight and aim for the head.
July 8, 2008
Issue 44•28
Taurus The answer you've been searching for lies right in front of your face, though it's difficult to make out with all that cheesecake in the way.
June 17, 2008
Issue 44•25
Gemini The stars foresee a great number of failures, setbacks and letdowns in your future, but then pretty much anyone could have told you that.
June 10, 2008
Issue 44•24
Cancer Your tendency to see the worst in every situation will rob you of any pleasure you might have otherwise derived from next Thursday's biological outbreak.
June 3, 2008
Issue 44•23
Leo The moon in your sign indicates financial success in the coming days. The moon in your rear-view mirror, however, indicates those damn teens are at it again.
May 27, 2008
Issue 44•22
Virgo After six weeks, you still haven't figured out how Jonah got so much done inside one of these things.
May 20, 2008
Issue 44•21
Libra A man's home is his castle. This week prepare to have your castle stormed by a marauding horde of phone bills.
May 13, 2008
Issue 44•20
Scorpio Your amusing hospital jig will make all the patients smile, but that's only because they'll realize that dying of cancer isn't the most dehumanizing thing on earth.
May 6, 2008
Issue 44•19
Sagittarius City officials will name a public holiday in your honor this week, making May 9th forever Aw, Who The Hell Cares Who We Give These Things Out To Anymore Day.