Your Horoscope
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer
Aries March 21 - April 19
Your lack of life experience will become apparent this week when you propose a new ice-cream flavor based on the smooth, subtle taste of the vanilla bean.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Your stunning handbag and shoe lines will cause the other fashion houses to wonder why you even bother making dresses anymore.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
Some say that to really know fried chicken, you have to have been raised in the South, which is a slap in the face to you, as you grew up in a KFC stockroom.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
The greased-pig trick is a crass, sophomoric classic, but you'll raise it to an art form at Biosphere 2.
Leo July 23 - August 22
You'll feel a lot better with warm clothes on your back and food in your stomach, proving that cannibalism has a couple things going for it.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Once again, the specter of war will dominate international news, preventing people the world over from learning how you made the world's largest apple pie.
Libra September 23 - October 23
People don't keep statistics on things like being hit by dump trucks, but when they begin to, rest assured that your name will figure prominently.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
People say you lack the intensity and vision to rise above your own mediocrity, but you don't really see the problem with that.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
You've done everything in your power to destroy ignorance among your fellow humans, but apparently, one of them is still dumb enough to marry Billy Joel.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
You'll be surprised when federal agents are able to obtain a warrant only hours after your children's book hits the shelves.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
For a moment, the stars will seem to take the shape of God, but onlookers will agree that God would not manifest Himself just to call you filthy names.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
You may have started looking forward to your own death, but trust the Zodiac—it'll be no picnic.
Past Horoscopes
September 30, 2008
Issue 44•40
Aries Your life has always resembled something out of a movie, which explains the scrolling end credits this week.
September 23, 2008
Issue 44•39
Taurus Will you finally get that big job promotion? Is whirlwind romance in the cards for you? Tune in to Taurus next week for all the answers and more!
September 16, 2008
Issue 44•38
Gemini If you knew what was coming, you wouldn't be wasting valuable time reading your horoscope.
September 9, 2008
Issue 44•37
Cancer Your lucky numbers for this week are: 812, √3/14, 0.0000085, and π.
September 2, 2008
Issue 44•36
Leo Late summer is a good time for you to step back and take stock of your life. Coincidentally, early fall is a good time to explore dignified methods of suicide.
August 26, 2008
Issue 44•35
Virgo The stars indicate that they have your new astrological prediction right here. Yeah, come and get it, hot stuff.
August 19, 2008
Issue 44•34
Libra Remember: When people say that children are our future, they're talking about much healthier infants than yours.
August 12, 2008
Issue 44•33
Scorpio Onlookers will be moved by your quiet dignity, inner strength, and unflinching resolve. Then, your pants will fall down.
August 5, 2008
Issue 44•32
Sagittarius Fire and water magicks are strong in your sign this week, though unfortunately for you, not at the same time.