Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Your lack of life experience will become apparent this week when you propose a new ice-cream flavor based on the smooth, subtle taste of the vanilla bean.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Your stunning handbag and shoe lines will cause the other fashion houses to wonder why you even bother making dresses anymore.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Some say that to really know fried chicken, you have to have been raised in the South, which is a slap in the face to you, as you grew up in a KFC stockroom.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
The greased-pig trick is a crass, sophomoric classic, but you'll raise it to an art form at Biosphere 2.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
You'll feel a lot better with warm clothes on your back and food in your stomach, proving that cannibalism has a couple things going for it.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Once again, the specter of war will dominate international news, preventing people the world over from learning how you made the world's largest apple pie.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
People don't keep statistics on things like being hit by dump trucks, but when they begin to, rest assured that your name will figure prominently.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
People say you lack the intensity and vision to rise above your own mediocrity, but you don't really see the problem with that.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
You've done everything in your power to destroy ignorance among your fellow humans, but apparently, one of them is still dumb enough to marry Billy Joel.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
You'll be surprised when federal agents are able to obtain a warrant only hours after your children's book hits the shelves.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
For a moment, the stars will seem to take the shape of God, but onlookers will agree that God would not manifest Himself just to call you filthy names.
