Your Horoscope
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer
Aries March 21 - April 19
The forecast for your immediate vicinity is partly cloudy, which will provide a welcome relief from the tiny thunderstorm that's been following you around.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
A judge once said he couldn't define pornography, but he knew it when he saw it. That's how you feel about paella.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
You're well on your way to setting a world record for receiving the world's longest lap dance, but it's been interfering with your work as an airline pilot.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
If you've ever wanted to tour the world while being held against your will in a container ship, this is your lucky week.
Leo July 23 - August 22
You've often wondered who's responsible for all this fucked-up shit, but that will change Thursday, when you're hired to assist the Director of All This Fucked-Up Shit.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Most solid objects are actually composed of the spaces between the subatomic particles. Then there's your gigantic fat ass.
Libra September 23 - October 23
Strangely enough, the only people who remember seeing you at the scene are the eccentric professor, the lovely blonde reporter, the recently thawed caveman, and the hapless politician.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
Nothing can stop you now, but that's a natural consequence of your not trying to do much of anything.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
The world's vulcanologists would appreciate it if you'd stop trying to take credit for anything and everything that happens at Mount St. Helens.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
You'll survive the incident, but for the rest of your life, you'll be paralyzed with fear at the sight of cumulus clouds, blueberry pancakes, and hockey great Bobby Orr.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You'll be a free man when the judge and jury are forced to agree that the goat had indeed dressed in a provocative manner.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Your career in immigration law is progressing satisfactorily, but you're still eons away from Martian citizenship.
Past Horoscopes
August 26, 2008
Issue 44•35
Aries They say that a little hard work and perseverance never killed anyone, but you and your trusty knife are about to prove them wrong.
August 19, 2008
Issue 44•34
Taurus Turns out it's not the ability to reason that separates us from the animals, but rather a very thin, very flimsy wire fence.
August 12, 2008
Issue 44•33
Gemini Regret will be yours this week when you're forced to choose between a slice of cherry pie and everlasting life.
August 5, 2008
Issue 44•32
Cancer You'll rue the day all that delicious ice cream was delivered to your home, proving once and for all that you don't know what "rue" means.
July 29, 2008
Issue 44•31
Leo Surprises await Leo around every corner, down several long stretches of highway, and over one rather bumpy off-ramp this week.
July 22, 2008
Issue 44•30
Virgo Dogs and their owners will often begin to look alike after years of living together, though it's hard to tell with your face inside that bowl half the time.
July 15, 2008
Issue 44•29
Libra Though last Tuesday may not have seemed like much to you, trust us: It was the best day of your life.
July 8, 2008
Issue 44•28
Scorpio Sometimes the truth can be difficult to hear. Thankfully, a battery-operated megaphone will make your past failures crystal clear.
June 17, 2008
Issue 44•25
Sagittarius Lately it feels like you're living a lie, which would explain the part about winning the pie-eating contest, swimming in shark infested waters, and having sex with women.