Your Horoscope
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer
Aries March 21 - April 19
Your health and dignity are equally important, but four square miles of ball bearings will make it difficult for you to maintain either.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
You're technically in favor of people exacting bloody revenge, but everyone trying to do it all at once will seriously inconvenience you.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
You may be the best art thief on the continent, but your penchant for Lladro porcelain and collectible chess sets will keep your legend small.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
Not only is fusion sushi "so three years ago," but you apparently don't realize it has nothing to do with the musical stylings of Spyro Gyra.
Leo July 23 - August 22
The population density of Wyoming is very low, but that doesn't mean the people there aren't also out to kill you.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
You don't like having limits imposed upon you, which is why it enrages you to hear Roger Miller sing "You Can't Roller Skate In A Buffalo Herd."
Libra September 23 - October 23
The stars have something frightfully urgent to tell you, but the new Grand Theft Auto just came out, and they're not leaving the house.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
You'll be credited with a new kind of piracy that is even less glamorous than "software" and "music," and a hell of a lot less sexy than "butt."
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
As long as you're personally involved in the process, it'll be a terrible time to make career or romantic decisions.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
The overwhelming sense that everything is falling apart around your ears will be reinforced by painful sonic and tactile cues.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
All your money problems will be solved when an out-of-control armored car hurtles down your street, but not in a fashion you'll consider ideal.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
You'll feel a certain sense of inevitability when you see John Waters sitting in the front row at your trial for the hair-dryer electrocution of your boyfriend.
Past Horoscopes
August 19, 2008
Issue 44•34
Aries You'll lean on friends and family members this week, slowly drowning all of them when your boat capsizes.
August 12, 2008
Issue 44•33
Taurus The stars, in their infinite wisdom, indicate that you have something on your shirt. Also the stars indicate that you always fall for that one.
August 5, 2008
Issue 44•32
Gemini Remember: While resorting to violence is never the answer, starting off with violence almost always is.
July 29, 2008
Issue 44•31
Cancer The rise of Uranus in your sign indicates great loss and misfortune, but you'll be too busy giggling to yourself to really notice.
July 22, 2008
Issue 44•30
Leo You've never been the athletic type, so it's a bit of a surprise when you're suddenly struck with a dozen errant javelins.
July 15, 2008
Issue 44•29
Virgo You'll finally catch the great white whale this week, only to realize the damned thing is just a metaphor.
July 8, 2008
Issue 44•28
Libra Your financial situation takes a turn for the worse this week when that damn quarter slips loose and falls behind a sofa cushion.
June 17, 2008
Issue 44•25
Scorpio Turns out it's neither the heat nor the humidity, but rather a foot-long meatball sub that will cause all the sweating.
June 10, 2008
Issue 44•24
Sagittarius When carrying out a book-burning, first stoke the fire with smaller, lighter works from Austen and Waugh, before throwing on the heavier hardbacks of Tolstoy and Joyce.