Your Horoscope
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer
Aries March 21 - April 19
You're perfectly content curling up in your room with a good book, which is fortunate, considering how you'll be spending the next five to seven years for manslaughter.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
You'll never be quite the same again after that Bible you've been thumping all these years finally has enough and beats the living shit out of you.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
The mousetrap you built is indeed better, but the bludgeoning part will prevent people from beating a path to your door.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
You'll be shunned when the man you famously taught to fish dies of mercury poisoning.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Opening a free amusement park was a great idea, but people will be revolted by your idea of amusement.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
There are no words to express your complicated feelings toward that special someone, which is unfortunate, because she will fail to understand the hand gestures.
Libra September 23 - October 23
People might praise the ineffable human qualities of your post-lyric poetry now, but after you're gone, all they'll talk about is your great parties.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
You only get one chance to make a first impression—literally, in your case, as you'll only meet one more person for the rest of your life.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Judging by that lightheaded, dreamy feeling, this would be a good week to finally start some new meals.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Years from now, when most of the old onomatopoeia have gone out of style, the unique sound of your bursting body will still be in daily use.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
This week, you'll learn some important life lessons about sharing, admitting when you're wrong, and whether it's the volts or the amps that kill you.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Your feeling that the people you work with are dragging you down is borne out by the Norstar Telecommunications rope you'll find wrapped around your ankles.
Past Horoscopes
June 17, 2008
Issue 44•25
Aries Jealousy, suspicion, and utter confusion will be yours this week when you find yourself at the center of a bizarre love rhombus.
June 10, 2008
Issue 44•24
Taurus After experiencing the steep drops, abrupt climbs, and out-of-control spins of a roller coaster this week, you'll finally see why your therapist so often invokes them in characterizing your mental states.
June 3, 2008
Issue 44•23
Gemini They may make your heart race and your knees tremble, but remember: Women are just as scared of you as you are of them.
May 27, 2008
Issue 44•22
Cancer The stars indicate that they know very well who ate the last of the cottage cheese and would appreciate you replacing it, thank you.
May 20, 2008
Issue 44•21
Leo The loss of a child is never easy, especially when the resourceful little pest keeps managing to find his way back home.
May 13, 2008
Issue 44•20
Virgo You'll lose your childlike innocence this Thursday, and, after pleading guilty to a number of charges, your adult-like innocence as well.
May 6, 2008
Issue 44•19
Libra You'll dive into frigid waters to save the life of a complete stranger this week. Unfortunately for you, he'll end up just being your brother.
April 29, 2008
Issue 44•18
Scorpio Your hands will be covered in blood this Thursday, as will your clothes, and all of your walls. Then again, painting is always a little bit messy.
April 22, 2008
Issue 44•17
Sagittarius You will soon achieve a kind of immortality. Unfortunately for you, it's the kind that involves being hooked up to an emergency room respirator for the rest of eternity.