Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
You're perfectly content curling up in your room with a good book, which is fortunate, considering how you'll be spending the next five to seven years for manslaughter.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
You'll never be quite the same again after that Bible you've been thumping all these years finally has enough and beats the living shit out of you.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
The mousetrap you built is indeed better, but the bludgeoning part will prevent people from beating a path to your door.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
You'll be shunned when the man you famously taught to fish dies of mercury poisoning.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Opening a free amusement park was a great idea, but people will be revolted by your idea of amusement.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
There are no words to express your complicated feelings toward that special someone, which is unfortunate, because she will fail to understand the hand gestures.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
People might praise the ineffable human qualities of your post-lyric poetry now, but after you're gone, all they'll talk about is your great parties.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
You only get one chance to make a first impression—literally, in your case, as you'll only meet one more person for the rest of your life.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Judging by that lightheaded, dreamy feeling, this would be a good week to finally start some new meals.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Years from now, when most of the old onomatopoeia have gone out of style, the unique sound of your bursting body will still be in daily use.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
This week, you'll learn some important life lessons about sharing, admitting when you're wrong, and whether it's the volts or the amps that kill you.
