Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
When you're finally given the chance to run the entire circus, you'll be amazed at how quickly it goes bad on you.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Through odd circumstances, you acquire a blowtorch, a case of razor blades, a cage of deadly asps, and a pint of cyanide, but since you didn't acquire any guts, they'll all just sit in the corner.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
In spite of your incredible, God-given skill as a crane operator, you won't be able to pick up any girls.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Your illusions, innocence, and worldview will all be shattered this week in a bizarre accident involving your personality and some liquid nitrogen.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
You'll find inspiration in the classic story of Great Expectations and go on to turn more wonderful novels into abhorrent movies.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
You're aware of the wondrous healing powers of love, but you have a feeling you'll get more mileage out of the cooler transformative powers of hate.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
There is little you can do to halt your downward spiral of lassitude and inaction, but you don't really care.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Frankly, it never occurred to you to win that special someone over with kindness and compassion—those things have never worked on you.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
The stars could perceive six numbers that would be of great help to you in winning large sums of money, but somehow, they never get around to it.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
The funny thing about people trying to copy the famous crime of D.B. Cooper is that one of them slams down onto your head Thursday afternoon.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
You have an unhealthy obsession with getting everyone to like you, which might be healthy if you were any good at it.
