Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Although nothing exciting usually happens to you, the law of averages will catch up this week and everything exciting will happen to you all at once.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
What was shaping up to be the worst Christmas ever will be salvaged when you barely make it past Thanksgiving.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
You'll win an improbable bet by driving a stolen SWAT van through a burning oil refinery, but due to a lack of faith and foresight, the prize will be five bucks.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
An old man will finally teach you how to read letters and numbers. Since he meant no harm, you should probably stop the other villagers from burning him.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
If you think that nothing you do matters anymore, it would behoove you to consider your use of the word "anymore."
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
You couldn't parallel park if your life depended on it, so it's unfortunate that, due to the alien invaders' strange emphasis on motorist competence, that's exactly what it comes down to.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Take heart: There are people with bigger problems than yours, and acting like you care about them will get you laid.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Yours is a story rife with pathos, sacrifice, and sexual intrigue, so it's confusing to see how pathetic it all sounds when you finally write it down.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Your sense of triumph over getting a white rhino to mate in captivity will dissipate when the disgusted biologists inform you that they wanted it to mate with another rhino.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
You'll achieve notoriety at the patent office after you discover a way to turn food into a nitrate-rich material useful in the fertilization of crops.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
You've read everything you can on the subject, but it still seems to you that some stuff about religion just doesn't add up.
