Your Horoscope
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer
Aries March 21 - April 19
Enjoy your position at the top of the food chain, because God is about to shake things up a little with the new Mountain Lion 2.0.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Singing underneath your true love's window seems romantic, but because of poor planning, you'll wind up seducing the convent's entire dormitory wing.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
You're about to face yet another week of life-or-death struggles, but as usual, all you really have to do is remember to eat.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
The idea behind judo is to make an opponent's strength work against him, making you immune to the martial art.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Many prophesied that you'd wind up wearing your ass for a hat, but they didn't predict that the fickle world of fashion would co-opt the look overnight.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
The inner world of every person contains realms unimagined, but you should still be able to guess what your license-plate-collecting brother-in-law might like for Christmas.
Libra September 23 - October 23
Where there's life, there's hope. This week, your heart will become the home of many single-celled, fungal, and parasitic species of hope.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
Your inability to conduct both parallel and distributed computational processes will prevent you from being an integral component in next year's hottest laptops.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
You will suffer terrible pain and emotional trauma, and all because someone put a diving board where it didn't belong.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
It's small-minded of him, but the detective investigating your death will suspect foul play simply because he would have tried to kill you himself.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You may march to the beat of a different drummer, but the important thing is that you're not being subversive and trying to walk on your own.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
You'll be sued for slander, sexual harassment, inciting to riot, and a half-dozen other crimes when you decide to let your dancing speak for you.
Past Horoscopes
August 26, 2008
Issue 44•35
Aries They say that a little hard work and perseverance never killed anyone, but you and your trusty knife are about to prove them wrong.
August 19, 2008
Issue 44•34
Taurus Turns out it's not the ability to reason that separates us from the animals, but rather a very thin, very flimsy wire fence.
August 12, 2008
Issue 44•33
Gemini Regret will be yours this week when you're forced to choose between a slice of cherry pie and everlasting life.
August 5, 2008
Issue 44•32
Cancer You'll rue the day all that delicious ice cream was delivered to your home, proving once and for all that you don't know what "rue" means.
July 29, 2008
Issue 44•31
Leo Surprises await Leo around every corner, down several long stretches of highway, and over one rather bumpy off-ramp this week.
July 22, 2008
Issue 44•30
Virgo Dogs and their owners will often begin to look alike after years of living together, though it's hard to tell with your face inside that bowl half the time.
July 15, 2008
Issue 44•29
Libra Though last Tuesday may not have seemed like much to you, trust us: It was the best day of your life.
July 8, 2008
Issue 44•28
Scorpio Sometimes the truth can be difficult to hear. Thankfully, a battery-operated megaphone will make your past failures crystal clear.
June 17, 2008
Issue 44•25
Sagittarius Lately it feels like you're living a lie, which would explain the part about winning the pie-eating contest, swimming in shark infested waters, and having sex with women.