Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
You fail to see why people are trying to stop you from crying because you have no shoes. Dammit, you're in a lot of foot pain.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
There are some unreasonable types out there who object to your wanting everyone to be a nice, normal skin color.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
There's nothing wrong with putting women on a pedestal, but fastening them there with nails, adhesives, and bulky straps tends to ruin the look.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Legends have it that the statue of Lincoln on the National Mall will stand up for an honest man, but they give no clue as to why it would show up in your driveway and take a nine-iron to your car.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
You will never again be able to act just as you will in a fried-chicken restaurant without being held accountable.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
You thought the old gag with the banana peel was dead forever, and if it weren't for you and a Dumpster full of shattered fluorescent-light tubes, it would be.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
No, baboons do not understand human speech. You just happened to run across an angry one who could read your snotty body language.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
If you're reading this on the weekend, the stars wish for your speedy recovery. If you're reading it before the weekend, call a plumber and a rat-catcher right now.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
You've long sought the solitary life of the lighthouse keeper, but it turns out that most of those things are built at the entrances to subdivisions these days.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
You believe great things are right around the corner, but they might be more accurately described as great big things hurtling out of control.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
You obviously weren't concealing anything, so your new theory is that airport security has it in for naked people.
