Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
There truly is more than one way to skin a cat, but the limited market for cat skins makes learning more than three methods impractical.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
You are possessed with abilities far beyond those of mortal man, but if your super-heroic origin story ever got out, no one would take you seriously.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
It turns out that being a slumlord is actually a whole lot of fun, at least for the time being.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Whoever said it was easier to destroy than to create never tried collecting their feces in jars for 18 months.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
You thought you'd seen the worst humanity had to offer, but that was before you read fan-fiction set in an alternate universe where Hawkeye Pierce and Father Mulcahy are lovers.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
There will finally be a call for restraint among athletes, but not before Joe Horn does a taunting victory dance over the burst ribcages of your family.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
With winter upon us, it's time to reflect, take stock of our lives, and maybe wear a skirt that covers your thighs, you slut.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Somehow, you don't believe your boss when he tells you that your coworker of 12 years went off to live with a nice family on a beautiful farm.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
It's often hard to say goodbye, but that doesn't excuse your practice of throwing down a smoke bomb and escaping in the confusion.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Unfortunately, a disagreement over whether cool jazz is superior to smooth jazz will not end in bloodshed.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
A mysterious portrait of you, painted by an acknowledged master, will increase in value as the years progress, while you remain worthless.
