Your Horoscope
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer
Aries March 21 - April 19
Your financial outlook isn't a pretty picture, but it does have a certain dark, Brueghelian magnificence.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Your new diet will cause you to become so skinny that, when sitting around the house, you will do so on a single, easily determined side of the house.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
Although it was fun to hear your name on television, you still don't think the president should use the State Of The Union address to put prices on citizens' heads.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
Learning to accept change is a sign of maturity. Enjoy spending your golden years begging for it on the corner.
Leo July 23 - August 22
If you learn one thing this week, let it be this: What matters isn't whether you're innocent or guilty, but what you wear to the trial.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Luckily, the trend of closed-casket funerals has allowed you to take certain aesthetic shortcuts in your work.
Libra September 23 - October 23
You're really getting tired of big business screwing over the little guy in the subplots of all those TV movies.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
You won't so much haunt the world after your death as become the spiritual equivalent of that guy who kept coming back to visit high school after graduation.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Your fake-sounding French accent is even more heinous considering that you grew up in the countryside around Toulon.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
You always seem to improve the performances of those around you, usually by slipping them amphetamines while they're not looking.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Although your cancer, if treated early, has a 96 percent recovery rate, doctors are strangely reluctant to treat you.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
You can't really help the way people feel about you, especially if the dumbasses refuse to listen to reason.
Past Horoscopes
September 30, 2008
Issue 44•40
Aries Your life has always resembled something out of a movie, which explains the scrolling end credits this week.
September 23, 2008
Issue 44•39
Taurus Will you finally get that big job promotion? Is whirlwind romance in the cards for you? Tune in to Taurus next week for all the answers and more!
September 16, 2008
Issue 44•38
Gemini If you knew what was coming, you wouldn't be wasting valuable time reading your horoscope.
September 9, 2008
Issue 44•37
Cancer Your lucky numbers for this week are: 812, √3/14, 0.0000085, and π.
September 2, 2008
Issue 44•36
Leo Late summer is a good time for you to step back and take stock of your life. Coincidentally, early fall is a good time to explore dignified methods of suicide.
August 26, 2008
Issue 44•35
Virgo The stars indicate that they have your new astrological prediction right here. Yeah, come and get it, hot stuff.
August 19, 2008
Issue 44•34
Libra Remember: When people say that children are our future, they're talking about much healthier infants than yours.
August 12, 2008
Issue 44•33
Scorpio Onlookers will be moved by your quiet dignity, inner strength, and unflinching resolve. Then, your pants will fall down.
August 5, 2008
Issue 44•32
Sagittarius Fire and water magicks are strong in your sign this week, though unfortunately for you, not at the same time.