The Onion

Martha's Mess

September 4, 2002 | Issue 38•32

Implicated in the ImClone trading scandal, Martha Stewart is now accused of illegally dumping her own company's stock, as well. What do you think?

Old Woman

Linda Symanski,
Realtor
"You'd think Martha, of all people, would know how to put those worthless old stock certificates to good use instead of just dumping them."

Old Man

Benjamin
Robison
,
Systems Analyst
"Have they built a jail cell strong enough to hold her?"

Young Woman

Beth Atkinson,
Graduate
Student

"Poor Martha. She showed a lost and confused world how to spruce up those ho-hum wall sconces, and this is how we thank her."

Young Man

Frank Bergin,
Contractor
Young Man "I really don't think it's right for us to act as Martha Stewart's judge, jury, and executioner. Executioner will have to do."

Black Man

George Adamle,
Civil Engineer
"Funny, the Martha Stewart Living web site doesn't mention anything about this."

Asian Man

Norman Linn,
File Clerk
"First the Catholic Church, now Martha. Who's going to be left to make us feel bad about ourselves?"

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