The Onion

The Church Sex Scandal

April 3, 2002 | Issue 38•12

A growing sex-abuse scandal is engulfing the Catholic Church, with many priests accused of sexually molesting children. What do you think?

Old Man

Chris Davis,
Lawyer
"Where in the Bible does it forbid someone to pin a 10-year-old behind a large cooler of Kool-Aid in a church basement?"

Asian Man

Don Lawson,
File Clerk
"Catholic priests are being unfairly singled out as pedophiles. We must not forget the music teachers and hockey coaches."

Young Man

Phil Ormond,
Cab Driver
"This is just secular, liberal-media hysteria over thousands of grade-schoolers getting ass-raped."

Black Man

Paul George,
Accountant
"Hey, if Abraham was willing to kill his son for God, the least a devout Catholic can do is let his kid get cornholed here and there."

Old Woman

Sheila Rutt,
Systems Analyst
"Wine, candles, incense, frilly little frocks... you can see how it sets a mood."

Young Woman

Danielle Krug,
Speech Therapist
"Now that it's out in the open, the healing can begin. Except for the kids."

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