The Onion

The Robert Blake Murder Case

May 1, 2002 | Issue 38•16

Arrested nearly a year after his wife was fatally shot, actor Robert Blake is pleading not guilty to murder charges. What do you think?

Young Man

Carl Morgan,
Electrician
"This is the new O.J.! Except nobody gives a fuck, and there's a tiny sliver of a possibility that Blake didn't actually do it."

Asian Man

Milt Herndon,
File Clerk
"His pet cockatoo Fred must be rolling in his cigar-box grave over this."

Old Man

Rick Evans,
Systems Analyst
"Bonny Lee Bakley was hardly a saint. She was a con-woman, a grifter. A flim-flammer and a bunko artist. This doll had more angles than an octagon."

Black Man

Paul LeMaster,
Chemical Engineer
"Before we jump to any conclusions about Robert Blake's guilt or innocence, we should first consult the Internet Movie Database to make sure he's still alive."

Young Woman

Andrea Stennett,
Optometrist
"As the man himself said, 'Some are born to sweet delight, some are born to endless night.' I'm sorry—I thought we were talking about William Blake."

Old Woman

Diane Venable,
Librarian
"Oh, those washed-up celebrities! Who will they kill next?"

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