The Onion

The Anti-SUV Movement

February 26, 2003 | Issue 39•07

Decried as gas-guzzling road hazards, SUVs are also under fire for supporting terrorism by increasing U.S. dependence on Mideast oil. What do you think?

Young Man

Carl Davis,
Roofer
"But what if I need my SUV for sporting or utilitating?"

Old Woman

Christine Watros,
Homemaker
"I'm sorry, but I simply don't buy your argument that SUVs indirectly put my dollars into the hands of al-Qaeda via the Saudis. My Explorer is so comfortable!"

Young Woman

Amy Benton,
Teacher
"Yes, the average U.S. automobile has doubled in weight since 1990, but so has the average U.S. citizen."

Black Man

Franklin Lowe,
Systems Analyst
"I just feel bad for the SUVs, forced to live all cooped up in the city like that."

Asian Man

David Orr,
Custodian
"Yesterday, I flipped off a guy who was driving an SUV. See, I'm doing my part to save the world."

Old Man

John Kelleher,
Lawyer
"My purchase of a Hummer was inspired by our 1991 Gulf War victory. After this war, I'm buying an aircraft carrier."

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