The Onion

The Great White Tragedy

March 5, 2003 | Issue 39•08

Some are calling for criminal charges to be filed against the band Great White for its role in the deadly Feb. 20 pyrotechnics fire in Rhode Island. What do you think?

Old Man

Jim Clemons,
Financial Analyst
"What happened in that Rhode Island club is shocking. To think that over a hundred people would attend a Great White concert..."

Young Woman

Cynthia Kelleher,
Therapist
"Without pyrotechnics, '80s metal bands will have no way to keep audiences from noticing how shitty their music is."

Old Woman

Theresa King,
Homemaker
"As a concerned parent, I think it's high time somebody started speaking out against this dangerous shark-themed rock."

Asian Man

Phil Orland,
Mechanic
"I only feel safe inside a rock club when Lemmy is playing."

Young Man

Bill Barton,
Truck Driver
"The saddest part of all is, they never even got to hear 'Once Bitten, Twice Shy.'"

Black Man

Daniel Haley,
Systems Analyst
"How many more people have to die before no one ever dies again?"

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