The Onion

Dolphins And The Military

April 2, 2003 | Issue 39•12

In a move that has outraged many animal-rights activists, the U.S. Navy is using dolphins to find underwater mines in Iraqi harbors. What do you think?

Old Man

Arthur Bond,
Systems Analyst
"It's one thing to put human lives at risk in a war, but dolphins? That's just unconscionable."

Asian Man

George Goff,
Auto Mechanic
"I support the U.S. dolphin military program. For many dolphins, the G.I. Bill is the only way they can afford college."

Young Woman

Dorothea Klapp,
Graphic Designer
"As someone who wore a T-shirt with a dolphin on it almost every day in fourth grade, I find this development troubling. My nickname in school was 'fishshirt.'"

Young Man

Melvin Adams,
Electrician
"I gave up canned tuna for the dolphins, and now they're just blowing them to shit?"

Old Woman

Eleanor Reese,
Painter
"Sure, they'll tell you about the success of the Navy dolphins, but will they tell you about the 10,000-dolphin protest in Chicago last weekend?"

Black Man

Dan Mora,
Civil Engineer
"This is the military. We should be amazed they're not using baby chicks."

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