The Onion

Is Syria Next?

April 23, 2003 | Issue 39•15

Tensions are rising between the U.S. and Syria, which the Bush Administration has warned against harboring fugitive Saddam loyalists. What do you think?

Black Man

Vincent Gregg,
Systems Analyst
"Syria should know better than to help its allies."

Old Man

Fran Whalen,
Attorney
"On the one hand, it'd be foolish to extend a military action that has already earned us worldwide enmity. On the other hand, it's right there."

Asian Man

Christopher Tam,
Machinist
"I'd watch out for those Syrians. If we can learn anything from their past history, it's that those folks are heavily into smiting."

Young Woman

Christina Abel,
Dietitian
"I can think of lots of reasons to attack them, starting with their vital role in funding Sept. 11. What? Syria? I'm sorry, I thought you said Saudi Arabia."

Old Woman

Dana Dubrow,
Homemaker
"After Iraq, I think we should hit Syria, then Iran, then Egypt. Or maybe Iran, then Syria, then Pakistan. Gosh, there are so many ways we could go here."

Young Man

Rick Swopes,
Forklift Operator
"What possible justification could we have for going to war with Syria? Oh, I'm just kidding--go right ahead, I don't care."

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