The Onion

What's Up, Dick?

October 24, 2001 | Issue 37•38

Vice-President Cheney has spent much of the past several weeks hidden from public view in a secret location, prompting rumors about his status. What do you think?

Asian Man

Dom Delavan,
Roofer
"Man, if something happens to him, do you realize Bush becomes the vice-president?"

Young Man

Frank Castina,
Truck Driver
"He's probably been hiding out in a Nebraska bunker roughly 43 miles northeast of Hastings, allowing him fast access to any location in the U.S. Of course, that's just an uneducated guess."

Young Woman

Iris Nelson,
Waitress
"You know, Cheney reminds me a lot of my dad. Angry, humorless, dying of heart disease..."

Old Woman

Carla Brodson,
Librarian
"The idea of a vice-president maintaining a low profile—it's just too disturbing to process."

Old Man

Todd McKechnie,
Systems Analyst
"Like any U.S. leader, he's where you'd expect him to be: hundreds of miles below the Earth's surface in an impregnable star chamber with top Illuminati officials, charting our fates."

Black Man

Carl Vinson,
Civil Engineer
"I strongly suspect the government is pulling a Weekend At Bernie's on us."

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