The Onion

Anthrax Hits The U.S.

October 17, 2001 | Issue 37•37

Cases of anthrax exposure have been confirmed in media and government offices in Florida, New York, and Washington, D.C. What do you think about the threat?

Old Man

Thom Traylor,
Bioengineer
"As the head of a biotech lab, I'm tightening security. From now on, if you want to take some anthrax spores home, put your name on the sign-out sheet by the centrifuge."

Young Man

Bill Lowery,
Cab Driver
"Anthrax may grab more headlines, but I think we should all remember that osteoporosis remains Florida's number-one medical threat."

Asian Man

Milt Cook,
Electrician
"My brother's a doctor, and he slipped me a stash of that Cipro anthrax antibiotic. That and some sweet-ass morphine."

Black Man

Richard Busse,
Systems Analyst
"At times like these, I'm glad I live in a geodesic dome. Not that they're anthrax-proof or anything. They're just fun to live in."

Old Woman

Donna McCutcheon,
English Teacher
"Hmm. Does this coffee taste a little anthraxy to you?"

Young Woman

Christine Walker,
Journalist
"I'd react calmly to this news, but I'm a journalist."

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