The Onion

American Taliban

January 23, 2002 | Issue 38•02

Debate is raging over the proper punishment for John Walker, the California 20-year-old who fought with the Taliban against the U.S. What do you think?

Black Man

Peter Dunn,
Systems Analyst
"I hope that traitor spends the rest of his life locked away in substantially better living conditions than he had in Afghanistan."

Young Woman

Vicki Robbins,
Psychologist
"Why couldn't he have been like other shallow, overprivileged white kids and just spent a few years in Prague?"

Old Man

Tom Eisen,
CEO
"As CEO of a major scotch manufacturer, I demand that he be referred to as John Lindh. Our image is going down the toilet, goddammit."

Young Man

Frank Costello,
Delivery Driver
"Treason or not, I think it was hurtful and tasteless of Walker to go around in blackface like that."

Asian Man

Burt Bynum,
Cashier
"We could execute Walker, or we could sentence him to tour the country's elementary schools lecturing on how plotting to destroy the U.S. is a dead end."

Old Woman

Roberta Davis,
Dental Hygienist
"That's it. I'm pulling my son Jason out of that Pakistani madrassa pronto."

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