The Onion

The Clone Wars

August 22, 2001 | Issue 37•29

Across the U.S. and on Capitol Hill, debate is raging on the issue of human cloning. What do you think?

Old Woman

Lisa Rossiter,
Florist
"Cloning? Why? Aren't most Americans pretty much exactly alike as it is?"

Young Man

Dan Preece,
Truck Driver
"We really have no idea what kind of profound ramifications this could have on future generations, and on life on this planet as a whole. Let's find out."

Asian Man

Stewart Nicholls,
Cashier
"Cloning forces us to ask some hard questions. For example, which person, the original or the clone, gets to wear the goatee and be evil?"

Young Woman

Danielle Yates,
Student
"Can we clone a bulletproof Kurt Cobain? He was a sun that set too soon."

Black Man

Bill Barron,
Systems Analyst
"Anything that puts more people on the planet is okay by me."

Old Man

Ken Bould,
Architect
"Didn't the world learn its lesson when test-tube baby Louise grew to 60 feet tall and rampaged across London?"

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