The Onion

Celebrity Meltdowns

August 15, 2001 | Issue 37•28

Mariah Carey, Ben Affleck, and Backstreet Boy A.J. McLean are among the celebrities to check into rehab after recent breakdowns. What do you think?

Young Man

Fred Burtt,
Cab Driver
"Mariah Carey was hospitalized for 'exhaustion,' but everyone knows what that really means: a quart of cum in her stomach."

Asian Man

Pete Tippet,
File Clerk
"The only thing keeping me sane through all of this is Kenny Loggins' repeated assurances that he's all right, and that nobody need worry about him."

Old Man

Leonard McQuarrie,
Systems Analyst
"When is one of these entertainers going to be eaten alive by rats? That's a story I'll read."

Old Woman

Felicia Johnston,
Bank Teller
"I feel for them. They suffer so much. What? 'Celebrities'? I'm sorry, I thought you said 'victims of ethnic brutality in Macedonia.'"

Young Woman

Angie Dykstra,
Student
"Oh, my God. Is Britney Spears okay? What about Martin Lawrence? Angelina Jolie? Jennifer Lopez? Jim Carrey? P. Diddy? Nicole Kidman? Wait! Come back! I must know!"

Black Man

Ed Mollo,
Photographer
"Why is everybody raising a stink about these people now that they're finally entertaining?"

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