The Onion

TV Sports' Ratings Slide

August 8, 2001 | Issue 37•27

Televised sports is in the midst of a decade-long ratings slump. What do you think of the steadily dwindling viewership?

Black Man

Dan Wiggins,
Bank Teller
"With all the televised sports out there–golf, NASCAR, WNBA basketball, Major League Soccer, pro beach volleyball–my total indif

Asian Man

Ted Bevacqua,
Custodian
"Maybe someone should invent a new game to reignite interest. A game where you eat snack cakes while throwing water balloons."

Young Woman

Stephanie Nettles,
Psychologist
"It seems odd that viewership is down, given all the slightly charismatic pro athletes out there."

Old Woman

Dana Gossage,
Homemaker
"This is hardly surprising. That album came out nearly 20 years ago, and 'I Want A New Drug' was the only good song on it."

Old Man

Fred McReynolds,
Systems Analyst
"I blame the networks. Their interstitial CGI graphics and exploding-helmet sound effects just don't pack the same entertainment

Young Man

Carl Whitson,
Drill-Press Operator
"I guess I lost interest in televised sports when I realized you didn't need to watch it to hang out in Hooters."

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