The Onion

The Missile-Defense Standoff

August 1, 2001 | Issue 37•26

The U.S. and Russia are clashing over the Bush Administration's plans to develop a missile-defense system, which would defy 1972's ABM Treaty. What do you think?

Old Man

Carl Cox,
Systems Analyst
"Good for Bush. I always thought Clinton was a little weak in the pissing- off-the-Russians-over- nuclear-weapons department."

Old Woman

Dana Coleman,
Homemaker
"Do you realize that the U.S. and Russia have held enough disarmament talks to bore the world to death 50 times over?"

Young Woman

Irene Schmid,
Arts Administrator
"I've got a missile-defense idea: We genetically engineer a race of bird-men to fly up and defuse the missiles with their beaks. That'd be cheaper and just as effective."

Young Man

Bill Poulent,
Cab Driver
"Gee, George, way to telegraph the sneak attack. Now they'll totally know."

Asian Man

Bobby Post,
Landscaper
"Speaking of which, don't use the can for a while. I just violated one hell of a B.M. Treaty myself."

Black Man

Don Banks,
Podiatrist
"As Kenny Rogers says, you gotta know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em; know when to walk away, know when to use humanity as a bargaining chip in a game of nuclear brinksmanship."

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