The Onion

The Stem-Cell Debate

July 25, 2001 | Issue 37•25

Embryonic stem-cell research, which scientists believe could hold the key to curing many diseases, is strongly opposed by pro-life advocates. What do you think?

Old Woman

Diane Backman,
Legal Secretary
"As it clearly states in Leviticus, '...and the use of embryonic stem cells in biomedical research shall be forever prohibited. Thus sayeth the Lord.'"

Black Man

Richard Heep,
Systems Analyst
"Spare me your rationalizations. All I know is, stem-cell research kills a quasi-living four-day-old blob."

Young Man

Bill Teufel,
Delivery Driver
"You mean, you can actually experiment with stem cells from human embryos? Man, and all this time, I've just been throwing mine out."

Asian Man

Irwin Santana,
Customs Officer
"You try looking into the eyes of a human embryo and saying, 'We need you to die for science.' You can't do it, can you? What do you mean, which side am I arguing?"

Old Man

Carl Knight,
Architect
"They take these stem cells from little babies. They use big, sharp knives. The babies scream, but they take their stems anyway. This makes Jesus cry."

Young Woman

Lori Staub,
Reference Librarian
"Only the scientists would go to hell, right? Then let them find a cure for cancer and we'll keep dutifully opposing their actions."

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