The Onion

The $3 Billion Judgment

June 13, 2001 | Issue 37•22

Last week, a Los Angeles jury ordered Philip Morris to pay $3 billion in punitive damages to a longtime smoker who has lung cancer. What do you think?

Asian Man

Vijay Thakker,
Cashier
"Three billion dollars? I'm switching to non-filters right away."

Old Woman

Donna Lafarge,
Interior Decorator
"When this guy started smoking 40 years ago, people had no idea it was bad for you. People had to guess based on the hacking cough, shortness of breath, and bloody phlegm."

Black Man

Marcus Alberts,
Systems Analyst
"Shouldn't Bic have to pay for making the lighters that made the cigarettes deadly in the first place?"

Young Man

Phil Muncie,
Roofer
"Three billion for endangering the guy's life? Christ, Philip Morris could've had him killed for a measly ten grand."

Young Woman

Lisa Koenig,
Cellist
"Finally, America's educational system is getting the funding it so desperately needs. What? The $3 billion is going to a smoker? Oh."

Old Man

Donald Astbury,
Investment Banker
"This is a victory for everyone without a shred of common sense."

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